Today, about 5pm, here's what our house looked like:
The girls are all over the place, playing with toys, getting hungry for dinner, being loud, normal toddler girls.
I am in our kitchen, beginning to get dinner ready (remember that's where the LOUD kitchen sink is--Yikes!).
Mr. D is on the couch (as usual) reading a book (nice to have the tv off though).
I said something to him of very low importance, can't remember what. He looked up, irritated to have been interrupted from reading. Said something back, then went back to reading.
Five minutes go by, and the girls are still playing and I'm still in the kitchen, which is open to the family room. And I forgot. I forgot he was reading. I forgot I shouldn't interrupt him while he is trying to read a book in the family room amongst 2 small children playing in the middle of the day while his wife is cooking just feet from him. I said something to him, I don't know, about next weekend or the weather or something.
And he just got nasty. Dramatically threw the book aside, sighing loudly, rolling his eyes (my personal favorite), saying, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" I quickly realized my huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge mistake and apologized, saying sorry I forgot you were reading. Then, he's all--well I put the book down, so what's so important? Of course it wasn't important, I was just making some dumb small talk so when I repeated it, he was like that's fine, whatever. And he went back to reading.
Cue my bad luck here.
Then less than 10 minutes later, I went to check on dinner, which was on the grill. The gas had run out and dinner was nowhere near done. We have an extra tank in the garage. But I can't swap them out. Heck, I can barely carry one, right?
So I head in, knowing I'm in for it now. He's reading. I sweetly (as sweet as possible), softly ask, "Honey?"
More dramatic expressions implying how could I be in his world, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to him, etc. What a selfish baby. He changes the tanks and on the way back to his book whines, like a little kid, "I just want to read my book!"
I told him to go finish it in the bedroom! Ha
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
I Guess I Need Help...
So, I've been thinking it over and I've decided that, yes, I should see a counselor.
I haven't worked out the details yet: should I go alone, then ask Mr. D to come too? is this counseling for me and the way I see my world or should it be marriage counseling? does insurance pay for it? if I decide to go just me, how do I bring it up to Mr. D?
By the way, over the weekend Mr. D said to me, "Honey, I've talked to all my friends and they have it ten times worse than I do." (on the subject of relationships/marriage) Soooooooooooo I guess this means he thinks his grass is greener sometimes??? Interesting to me though, is how he worded it "worse than me..." as in HE thinks HE'S got it bad? I should show him my blog!
Ha! Just kidding, I think the ramifications of that would be catastrophic.
On the upside though I guess it's good that all he has to do is talk to his buddies to realize I am a good companion/homemaker/wife/partner/whathaveyou.
Whatever! I'll ride this high out for as long as he will... (until the next bad thing happens at work, of course!)
I haven't worked out the details yet: should I go alone, then ask Mr. D to come too? is this counseling for me and the way I see my world or should it be marriage counseling? does insurance pay for it? if I decide to go just me, how do I bring it up to Mr. D?
By the way, over the weekend Mr. D said to me, "Honey, I've talked to all my friends and they have it ten times worse than I do." (on the subject of relationships/marriage) Soooooooooooo I guess this means he thinks his grass is greener sometimes??? Interesting to me though, is how he worded it "worse than me..." as in HE thinks HE'S got it bad? I should show him my blog!
Ha! Just kidding, I think the ramifications of that would be catastrophic.
On the upside though I guess it's good that all he has to do is talk to his buddies to realize I am a good companion/homemaker/wife/partner/whathaveyou.
Whatever! I'll ride this high out for as long as he will... (until the next bad thing happens at work, of course!)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
My SUV and a Piece of Pie
Last week, we went over my sister's house for dinner. Two things happened that made me feel, once again, like Mr. D sees me as a second-class citizen.
We took my car and Mr. D drove it (the car seats for the girls are in there so we always take my car when we do family things instead of switching car seats around or buying extra; sometimes I drive and he's in the passenger seat, sometimes vice versa). He was stressed about his terrible work day (what's new?) and we went over a few bumps where there was some construction.
He went off! You would think that I went and purposely had him drive over the bumps in my SUV (which take the bumps not as smoothly as his business sedan but not terribly by any means). He screamed about what a piece of **** my car is, how can I drive this, what am I doing to the car to make it like this, blah blah blah. (Ummmmm, he is actually the one who strongly encouraged me to get this particular vehicle back in 2006.)
So, let's recap. Mr. D drives my car, hits bumps, yells at me, I blame it on how rough work is for him lately, and apologize for having a crappy car (even though it's not).
And we haven't even gotten to my sister's yet!
Fast forward to dinner. Dessert, actually. We had a few things to choose from: cheesecake and pie. I had cheesecake. Then my sister asked me if I would please try this new pie recipe she made. Of course I said yes! What happened next is (what I believe is) foolproof emotional abuse from Mr. D.
He grabbed my hip/butt area (no one saw this) and shook it.
(So, right now I do have about 5-7 pounds to lose but come on.)
I say this is foolproof because I can't prove he did it to be mean (he's done stuff like this before, that I just can't prove). I know I could be just cynical or pessimistic. When I question him, he's like, "What, I can't grab my wife?" And I guess that really could be it, you know, just terrible timing. That it just so happens to be right after I agree to a second piece of dessert. And when I call him out on it, he acts so innocent.
Needless to say, I had that piece of pie but did not enjoy it.
I read one of Geneen Roth's columns in Good Housekeeping recently and the one thing that stood out was when she said something along the lines of "shame never leads to long term change." I read that part to Mr. D (days after the pie incident) and of course he didn't make any connections. (Remember, he's acting under the premise that he doesn't care if I eat an extra dessert...)
And so our secrets continue. The car thing, whatever. The dessert thing, I would be too mortified to tell my friends/parents he did that. I can't believe I take it. I am so ashamed; I would never want my girls to end up with someone like their father.
We took my car and Mr. D drove it (the car seats for the girls are in there so we always take my car when we do family things instead of switching car seats around or buying extra; sometimes I drive and he's in the passenger seat, sometimes vice versa). He was stressed about his terrible work day (what's new?) and we went over a few bumps where there was some construction.
He went off! You would think that I went and purposely had him drive over the bumps in my SUV (which take the bumps not as smoothly as his business sedan but not terribly by any means). He screamed about what a piece of **** my car is, how can I drive this, what am I doing to the car to make it like this, blah blah blah. (Ummmmm, he is actually the one who strongly encouraged me to get this particular vehicle back in 2006.)
So, let's recap. Mr. D drives my car, hits bumps, yells at me, I blame it on how rough work is for him lately, and apologize for having a crappy car (even though it's not).
And we haven't even gotten to my sister's yet!
Fast forward to dinner. Dessert, actually. We had a few things to choose from: cheesecake and pie. I had cheesecake. Then my sister asked me if I would please try this new pie recipe she made. Of course I said yes! What happened next is (what I believe is) foolproof emotional abuse from Mr. D.
He grabbed my hip/butt area (no one saw this) and shook it.
(So, right now I do have about 5-7 pounds to lose but come on.)
I say this is foolproof because I can't prove he did it to be mean (he's done stuff like this before, that I just can't prove). I know I could be just cynical or pessimistic. When I question him, he's like, "What, I can't grab my wife?" And I guess that really could be it, you know, just terrible timing. That it just so happens to be right after I agree to a second piece of dessert. And when I call him out on it, he acts so innocent.
Needless to say, I had that piece of pie but did not enjoy it.
I read one of Geneen Roth's columns in Good Housekeeping recently and the one thing that stood out was when she said something along the lines of "shame never leads to long term change." I read that part to Mr. D (days after the pie incident) and of course he didn't make any connections. (Remember, he's acting under the premise that he doesn't care if I eat an extra dessert...)
And so our secrets continue. The car thing, whatever. The dessert thing, I would be too mortified to tell my friends/parents he did that. I can't believe I take it. I am so ashamed; I would never want my girls to end up with someone like their father.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Time Off
So, I have not posted lately because I'm trying so hard to not complain about Mr. D.
It's, umm, not working so I'll be posting about my car and eating habits tomorrow (and what Mr. D has to say about both, of course).
It's, umm, not working so I'll be posting about my car and eating habits tomorrow (and what Mr. D has to say about both, of course).
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Back & Forth
I go back and forth.
A lot of me, a lot of the time, wants to feel respected, important, valued, etc. I was in leadership positions starting way back in elementary school up through to, and including, my career. I have always liked feeling in charge, and been comfortable with it. I have been known to speak out in favor of gender equity, whether it be in raising children or in relationships between my girlfriends and their husbands. I have always asserted my equality to Mr. D, making sure he knows I won't be pushed around.
Then, sometimes I think that's not the way to go about it. Like when I think of how much worse it could be. When I think of how much more smoothly our household flows when I submit. And when a reader gives me a link to an article that provokes much thought (thanks Katie). Also, when I read what MckMama has to say about losing focus. So then I believe it's not that bad to swallow my pride and just shut up. To smile before I cry.
Honestly, I go through phases with this. I know it must be confusing to Mr. D because I sometimes react one way, then a week later I get upset at a similar thing.
I go back and forth.
I think what happens is that I psyche myself up to be a good wife to him and ignore his faults/ bad moods/ what have you and I put on this smile and do my best to be the best wife. Then, time goes by (could be a few days, could be a week or two), and I shake my head in disbelief at the mere thought of being less important than him, or--acting like my needs come after his.
Ok, it looks ridiculous when I type it out. I know I'm important too, blah blah blah. I think I feel insecure when I cater to his every request. Maybe it's the most secure women who can feel confident in their position of true backbone of the house, the one who is the support system for the family. I don't know.
To be continued, as always...for now (well the rest of today anway!), I'm going to do my best to look for the good, and act like it too.
A lot of me, a lot of the time, wants to feel respected, important, valued, etc. I was in leadership positions starting way back in elementary school up through to, and including, my career. I have always liked feeling in charge, and been comfortable with it. I have been known to speak out in favor of gender equity, whether it be in raising children or in relationships between my girlfriends and their husbands. I have always asserted my equality to Mr. D, making sure he knows I won't be pushed around.
Then, sometimes I think that's not the way to go about it. Like when I think of how much worse it could be. When I think of how much more smoothly our household flows when I submit. And when a reader gives me a link to an article that provokes much thought (thanks Katie). Also, when I read what MckMama has to say about losing focus. So then I believe it's not that bad to swallow my pride and just shut up. To smile before I cry.
Honestly, I go through phases with this. I know it must be confusing to Mr. D because I sometimes react one way, then a week later I get upset at a similar thing.
I go back and forth.
I think what happens is that I psyche myself up to be a good wife to him and ignore his faults/ bad moods/ what have you and I put on this smile and do my best to be the best wife. Then, time goes by (could be a few days, could be a week or two), and I shake my head in disbelief at the mere thought of being less important than him, or--acting like my needs come after his.
Ok, it looks ridiculous when I type it out. I know I'm important too, blah blah blah. I think I feel insecure when I cater to his every request. Maybe it's the most secure women who can feel confident in their position of true backbone of the house, the one who is the support system for the family. I don't know.
To be continued, as always...for now (well the rest of today anway!), I'm going to do my best to look for the good, and act like it too.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
They Don't Change
Although my husband was not this mean to me, as often, before--I think back to our dating years and remember some things that I should have taken as predictions for the future. Or warnings. Whatever.
He would tell me, "You're not cold," when we were traveling in the car, arguing over the settings.
We would play-fight, I'd get hurt, he'd say, "That didn't hurt."
These statements cannot be proved to be true. He can't say I'm not cold because he's not me; also, it's an opinion or relative term to be cold, hurt, anything. He just didn't respect what I said/felt/did.
He has told me a few times in the past to "wipe that look off your face." I just heard that one again over the weekend and boy it was...chilling, disappointing, sad.
I can remember going clothes shopping together years ago and him getting furious with me for taking too long in the dressing room! Accusing me of purposely going slow to make him mad (crazy, I know).
Men don't change. I know that now. And I am aware that it's almost fruitless to try and change Mr. D. I can only change how I feel, how I react, how I deal with what he does.
I would like to think some good could come of this (blog). Maybe a woman dating someone who sounds like Mr. D will rethink her future with him because she read this. Maybe I can help other women see that their grass is greener!! They don't have it so bad when they read this junk.
It just feels sad to be married to someone who you feel doesn't really love you.
******As a few asides,
My favorite movie was on tv yesterday and he knew it and didn't tell me until it was halfway through. What a jerk.
I wanted to share that I did go to my ob/gyn for my annual check and did not ask for birth control. I just decided that it would be best not to do that behind his back even though I am still not ready. I will simply make my case to start trying again later next time Mr. D. pushes the issue.
Also, I am resolved to thinking I will not consider the option of leaving this marriage at this point in time. I seem to go back and forth about it and now the pendulum has swung back to the "I'm going to give it my all and make this marriage work!" mentality. Although it remains to be seen how long I will feel this way. Back a few months ago, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to remain in this union. Now I am just going to try to make lemonade I guess.
He would tell me, "You're not cold," when we were traveling in the car, arguing over the settings.
We would play-fight, I'd get hurt, he'd say, "That didn't hurt."
These statements cannot be proved to be true. He can't say I'm not cold because he's not me; also, it's an opinion or relative term to be cold, hurt, anything. He just didn't respect what I said/felt/did.
He has told me a few times in the past to "wipe that look off your face." I just heard that one again over the weekend and boy it was...chilling, disappointing, sad.
I can remember going clothes shopping together years ago and him getting furious with me for taking too long in the dressing room! Accusing me of purposely going slow to make him mad (crazy, I know).
Men don't change. I know that now. And I am aware that it's almost fruitless to try and change Mr. D. I can only change how I feel, how I react, how I deal with what he does.
I would like to think some good could come of this (blog). Maybe a woman dating someone who sounds like Mr. D will rethink her future with him because she read this. Maybe I can help other women see that their grass is greener!! They don't have it so bad when they read this junk.
It just feels sad to be married to someone who you feel doesn't really love you.
******As a few asides,
My favorite movie was on tv yesterday and he knew it and didn't tell me until it was halfway through. What a jerk.
I wanted to share that I did go to my ob/gyn for my annual check and did not ask for birth control. I just decided that it would be best not to do that behind his back even though I am still not ready. I will simply make my case to start trying again later next time Mr. D. pushes the issue.
Also, I am resolved to thinking I will not consider the option of leaving this marriage at this point in time. I seem to go back and forth about it and now the pendulum has swung back to the "I'm going to give it my all and make this marriage work!" mentality. Although it remains to be seen how long I will feel this way. Back a few months ago, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to remain in this union. Now I am just going to try to make lemonade I guess.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The Truth About Secrets
They make you withdraw from people.
I am lonely sometimes. I sometimes want to talk with my mom/friends/sisters about Mr. D and our marriage but I always hold back.
It's hard to keep secrets. Oh, not the lying part. I'm ashamed to say I've got that down pat. I have my standard responses and smiles. What's hard is that I'm choosing to put up a barrier. I keep my distance so there's less chances for me to "have" to lie.
What if I told my mom some of the things Mr. D said/did to me? Can you imagine? Every time she'd call, I'd hear the pity in her voice. She would always be worried. When her and my dad would come over, I would get unwanted looks of despair and concern. And what if it totally changed their opinion (and therefore behavior towards) of him?
And my friends? If they knew what I was putting up with it would invalidate so much of the encouragement and support I've given them when their husbands did random idiotic things. And I think they'd feel (rightfully) hurt that I didn't share these things with them.
So I choose to not tell the truth, because this way I'm the only one that suffers.
On a different note, Mr. D actually said the other day, "I know it's been a rough couple of years but we'll get through this and I'm more in love with you now than I was before." !!!!! The love part threw me for a loop (the part about it being rough was a no-brainer!) and I'm trying to figure out how not to overanalyze what he said. (Since I seem to have trained myself to pounce on everything he says.)
I think I'm learning I need to work on me instead of focusing on the idea that my happiness comes from others. More about that soon.
I am lonely sometimes. I sometimes want to talk with my mom/friends/sisters about Mr. D and our marriage but I always hold back.
It's hard to keep secrets. Oh, not the lying part. I'm ashamed to say I've got that down pat. I have my standard responses and smiles. What's hard is that I'm choosing to put up a barrier. I keep my distance so there's less chances for me to "have" to lie.
What if I told my mom some of the things Mr. D said/did to me? Can you imagine? Every time she'd call, I'd hear the pity in her voice. She would always be worried. When her and my dad would come over, I would get unwanted looks of despair and concern. And what if it totally changed their opinion (and therefore behavior towards) of him?
And my friends? If they knew what I was putting up with it would invalidate so much of the encouragement and support I've given them when their husbands did random idiotic things. And I think they'd feel (rightfully) hurt that I didn't share these things with them.
So I choose to not tell the truth, because this way I'm the only one that suffers.
On a different note, Mr. D actually said the other day, "I know it's been a rough couple of years but we'll get through this and I'm more in love with you now than I was before." !!!!! The love part threw me for a loop (the part about it being rough was a no-brainer!) and I'm trying to figure out how not to overanalyze what he said. (Since I seem to have trained myself to pounce on everything he says.)
I think I'm learning I need to work on me instead of focusing on the idea that my happiness comes from others. More about that soon.
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