Another Baby?

Mr. D is ready. I am not.

Our families are ready. I am not.

Friends keep asking when we are going to have another, are we done.

Of course I didn't use to think we'd be done after having the twins. But I can't help thinking what if we do split up? Wouldn't it be wrong to throw another life in the mix? Won't I be less likely to leave (if that's what I decide to do) if we have another baby? Do I want to have another child with this man???

I feel like things should stabilize before we try to have another baby. I want to see if he's "going to get better" or continue being the jerk he has been. But he is pushing to start trying.

I am considering going on birth control and not telling him.

I feel like this is wrong in some aspects. Then I also feel like it's my way of saving myself, buying time, so it's ok.

I don't want him to lie to me, but I'm going to put up a pretty big lie to him? (Omission is a form of lying--obviously I don't expect him to come out and ask me.) Should I lie?

On the other hand, if things continue or get worse, I will probably be pretty upset if I'm pregnant or have an infant and have to try to leave him.

Not sure what to do. But I have some time. My dr appt isn't for several weeks, so I will decide by then.