I Just Don't FEEL Lucky

All I have to do is visit MckMama's, Angie's, or Matt's blogs to remind myself how good I have it. And I pray for them and their families and feel blessed that my problems are so trivial. Except I have a different kind of pain.

I am so in love with someone who no longer loves me the same way.

His life sucks right now at work, so "kick" the wife.
Now he doesn't beat me.
Physically.
That is something he's said he never hopes he gets to the point of.

Let me explain.

He is one of those men I swore I'd never end up with.

He says "If I ever get to the point where I want to hit you, you've done something really bad. Don't let me get to that."

You know, because it's got to be the woman's fault.

He clarified this recently when the whole Rihanna/Chris Brown thing was all over: "You know she threw his cell phone out the window and that's why he hit her. Stupid bitches."

The woman is to blame.

When a guy cheats, it's because the woman is no longer doing something FOR him. TO him. WITH him.

I found the following quoted in a novel I read "A man's accusing finger always finds a woman."

He is of that thinking.
"I'm not to blame. It's what she (fill in the blank)."

We "only do cards" for Valentine's Day.
This year, I didn't even get a card.

He wants me with him at every family function for his side, but he'll gladly opt out of my side anytime he can.

He is critical. Over critical. Hurtfully critical.
Once I admitted to him that occasionally I "edit" what I tell him.
He asked me why I censor the things I tell him.
That was one of my AHA moments.
I don't tell him everything because he rips apart everything I say.
The less I say, the less he has to criticize.
The less I say, the more I can ignore the fact that he's not really listening anyway.
It's sad.

But I'm not trying to be whoa is me.
I just can't help but let my imagination go.
To think of how different my life would be had I never met him.
Was I destined to end up with someone who wouldn't value me?
Would I just have been drawn to some other guy who would treat me poorly?
Or would I be with someone who thought I was the person of THEIR dreams?
I would like to think the latter.
That's also what this blog is about.
I can still dream.
He hasn't stifled that part of me yet.