In The Beginning

Here's how it all started.

Very normal, like any other couple. We met, fell in love, got married. Without drama.

But something changed. I am still, to this day, trying to figure out what and when. I actually think it was more of a gradual process, as in--things were good most of the time, then good part of the time, then good most of the time, then part, then hardly ever, then a little better, now pretty much NEVER.

Let me back up.

We met while we were in college, studying different majors. I was 19, he was 20. We went out on our first date and never looked back. We dated for eight years before he felt like he was ready to propose. (Hmmm, sign??) He proposed. We had a lovely wedding with 300 people excited for us. My family loved him. His family loved me. They were all ready for us to get married. We did the DINK (dual income, no kids) thing for a while. We started TTC, got pregnant on the first try, miscarried. Tried again, got pregnant with our twin girls. He always wanted a boy first. (Hmmm, sign?)

Now I have quit my job to stay home with our girls. This is something we both want, although I did initiate the discussion back in our dating years. Even now, he says he doesn't want me to go back to work yet he misses the money.

I have to think that's part of what's wrong. He just does not respect me. Now I think he values me less because I stay home.

He throws a tissue toward the bathroom wastebasket. It misses. He leaves it. It may sound like I'm letting the little things bother me but he did not do that when I was working. He likes seeing me pick up after him and I can't stand it. It's the ultimate diss.

I don't know if he knows I'm on to him.

He looks in the cupboard for potato chips, sees there aren't any, but doesn't say anything. A few hours later he announces "I want some chips. Do we have any chips?" Just to make me feel bad.

Of course he acts like he doesn't do it to make me feel bad, but he's done it so many times I've just decided that he looks for whatever we don't have, and asks for it.

To point out how I lack. How I'm not good at anything.

The reality is
I'm not bad looking.
I go between a size 4 and 6.
I cook well.
I bake wonderfully.
I take great care of our girls.
I clean diligently.
I iron.
I garden.
I take care of our home very nicely.
But he looks for what lacks and makes me feel somehow inadequate.
It's only because he's miserable.
He didn't used to be like this.
I'm not excusing it, just trying to keep my sanity.
He yells.
He only says I love you when I say it first.
Nothing is good enough for him.
He acts like he's so much better than me.
He even thinks it's my "fault" we don't have a boy yet. Any medical book will tell you it's the father's sperm that determines the baby's gender, not the mother's egg.