I read the comments on my last post. I didn't want to think that's what it was, but I guess it may be. Abuse. But I don't fear for my life. And it didn't use to be like this. That's why I feel like he can change (back to how he was). And why it's not so bad. I mean, there are women in the Middle East who can't even show their face. They are slaves to the men there. There are women dying of cancer. There are women who would like to have children. I guess I just feel like maybe I should be thankful for what I've got: everything but a perfectly wonderful relationship with my husband.
But it was sobering to read words like abuse, domestic violence, control, etc. It shook me. So I read my posts like I thought a stranger would and I felt sorry for the person too. I'm not sure how I got here. I have an education. I was always in leadership positions in school and in my work. I was the one telling friends no you shouldn't take that attitude from your guy. And him. He was not like this before. Something changed.
Earlier today I asked him if he wanted the few strawberries that were left. He said yes. So I grabbed the container from the fridge and quickly flipped the lid onto the bottom of the bowl and handed it to him. He (without taking his eyes off the tv) tossed the lid aside and said, "What the f*** do I want this for?"
Now I know I don't deserve to be spoken to like that. And the girls were sleeping, so they didn't hear him say it. (He is nicer when the kids are around, I keep reminding him how they're going to want to marry a man like their daddy...) So I said, "You should not have said that to me. You wouldn't talk to your mother or sisters like that. You wouldn't talk to a waiter in a restaurant like that so you shouldn't have said that to me." He seemed to comprehend, and apologized. (I know, I know. It doesn't make it ok if he says sorry after every time.) I said that this is verbal abuse and he said, "You don't think I abuse you, do you?" I said yes! He really seemed to think about this and I could tell he didn't like that word either. Abuse.
So now what. I want to have a happy marriage. With him. He is the person I fell in love with. I know he is semi-depressed and stressed and a different person. I can't let these changes become the norm.
These are still secrets. I can't tell my parents or my friends these things because they will make a big deal out of it. I'm not ready for the judgements they'll make, opinions they'll form.
But I may have to accept that this could be a form of abuse. It just doesn't seem like the picture of abuse I had in my head.
Big Boo Cast: Episode 386
2 days ago
Is there a safe place I can send you some info? There is a video "It's not like he hit me" -- I can't send you the video, but the title says it all... abuse typically isn't what we've socially been taught it is --
ReplyDeleteIf you want to read a book about how to tell and to see if your husband is a man who doesn't even realize he's become that way (such as what it seems happened to day) Click Here --
Please don't read this title and think "Oh, know... she's telling me to leave my husband" -- that would be presumptuous and naive on my part -- It actually is an educational book on how to tell the difference between "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" when it comes to men and where they're at on the "Abusive Scale" --
I look forward to continue talking to you :)
It sounds like you confronted him instead of taking what he normally does. I actually put up with little things for 5 years for the sake of the marriage and one day I just snapped. It was the tiniest things too. I felt like I should be serving him, the good wife, submissive, etc. And then I just turned on him - after our second child was born. I stormed like hell for two years trying to get my point across that I wasn't there to serve him hand and foot. I had laid those stones and I was the one who had to undo them and together we've had to rebuild a more egalitarian marriage.
ReplyDeleteI guess it depends a lot on how you got to where you are. You might have fallen into "gender rolls" you didn't think about or plan and you still might need to re-evaluate. It seems like you stood up for yourself and he was introspective, not reactive. That's minor, but positive. If he hated you, he would have thrown the strawberries.
I am NOT an advocate for abuse. I grew up in what psychologist described as the top 5% of most dysfunctional families. I have no desire to stay in an abusive relationship and wouldn't recommend for someone else to. I think your husband might be immature. If you never tell him no or what you think or where to stop - how does he know? Have you ever told him what makes a great relationship to you? And listened to what he thinks? And figured out what can happen and what will most likely not happen? He's probably not Casanova.
It sure seems like you want to work on things...you must still have hope. That's good.
For him to reflect for a minute on what you said is good. That's a start.