Sunday, May 31, 2009

What, Really, Is the Purpose of This Blog?

I was thinking over the whole internet blogging thing. I am addicted, for sure. Mostly to reading blogs. But I feel like this blog I write is a form of therapy for me. Silent, anonymous therapy. That's free from money and time restrictions.

I have my blogs that I read faithfully. I love them. They are often a great escape for me. A great percentage of the blogs I read are good stuff. They are a nice part of my day. And I visit them often to pick me up, lift my spirits.

Yet, then I write this blog which is not rose colored in any way shape or form. Sorry for that. I do sometimes think this just looks like a whine fest. For the most part, it's very bleak and pessimistic. And I am aware of that. There are good things in my life; I guess I have mentioned some here (obviously my girls are #1!!!). But for me, it's been so theraputic to gather a collection of the negative and (later) bounce ideas off some of you.

When I started this blog, I thought I was just doing it to get some of my frustrations out. To organize my thoughts and vent a bit. I told myself it would just be my private way of letting things out that I feel I can't share with anyone in my life. I didn't think it would matter if anyone read it, and I told myself that it was fine that way.

But then, it seems, I went out searching. I left comments on others' blogs under this identity, knowing that for the most part, blog authors will click on who it is that is leaving a them a comment. I guess I subconsciously wanted someone, anyone, to hear me.

I am glad people read this blog. I feel like someone is listening to me. Since (I feel) I can't talk to my family and friends about this stuff, I am glad to know that somebody cares. The comments that are left--whether it was support, advice, a book suggestion, a new thought pattern or direction, I appreciate it all.

It also helps knowing others feel like this. Not that I want anyone to be miserable, or trapped, or whatever. But when some of you say "me too" I know I'm not crazy for being fed up!! It's also been good for me to ask "is it ok that Mr. D. did (blah blah blah)?" "do other husbands say...?" etc. because you let me know "that's unacceptable" or "here's what I did" etc.

Thank you. Thanks for reading my blog even though it's not all good news and wonderful stuff. Thank you for listening and thanks for your advice too.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Sometimes I Wonder


How can I say this? More and more lately I have been thinking what it would be like if I "chose" the blue collar guy over white collar Mr. D.

Now I know this isn't healthy. But I think back to before. When I was younger. And I wanted to find a mate that wanted (what I thought were) the same things in life that I did. Including me staying home with our children.

Because that's what I have. I married a man who is a very good financial provider, and I don't have to work. And I have the nice big diamond. And we are by no means upper class but we do well. And I know I should feel lucky.

But I wonder if in my quest to look for a life-long partner I overlooked some very important things. Like striving for a man who would ultimately respect and honor me, rather than one who would be in a career that provided such a paycheck that would allow me to give up my not-so-shabby income while berating me and making me feel hated.

I had this friend (Mr K.). I met him when I was 16 and he dated my best friend casually, and I dated one of his friends casually, and we all just hung around a lot. Then my best friend found a new guy, and I broke up with Mr K's friend. And we all still hung out a lot. Then I went off to college, and Mr K barely graduated high school and went into skilled trades. Totally different paths; totally different upbringings, etc. But we would always reconnect (on a friend level) and our friendship grew. And grew. And you know the story: we loved each other so much we decided to give the dating thing a try. And it just didn't work, and neither of us was sure why. But he wasn't the "type" to bring home to Mom & Dad, and he always felt he couldn't "give" me the "things" I wanted. (Shame on me, I know that now...) We talked about how we so loved each other though and decided not to continue dating for fear it would ruin our friendship.

Then I met Mr. D. and never really looked back. (Well, until now I guess.) At the beginning stages of mine and Mr. D's relationship, my friendship with Mr. K. was still quite strong and we still said I love you and the end of our phone calls. And as things got more serious with Mr. D, Mr. K began to wonder to me "Have I made a mistake? Did I miss my chance with you?" and on and on. I sure did think that was sweet, but I was comfortable with where my life was going, dating my college man.

Fast forward to now. Mr. K and I call each other once a year, he on my birthday, and I on his birthday. The conversations are short, friendly, and small talk.

I know if I married him I'd probably have to work. I would probably drive a used car, not get so many pedicures, not have a big diamond ring.


I think I'd be loved. I think I'd feel loved. I think I'd be happy. I'm learning how I'd rather be poor and happy than comfortable and this.

I think it's terrible to have thoughts like this. I try to say it's just a version of "the grass is always greener".

Plus when I preview my post and read it, I realize I sound like one of those whiny snobs on some dumb reality show. But I'm not, really I'm not. I'm just a stay-at-home mom married to a man who's done well in his career. (Plus, a lot of what we have--say, the equity in our house, my car, etc--we got when I was working too, before we had kids and were doing the dual income thing.)

Ok. Wow. This post is all over the place.

Bottom line. I'd love to tell a bunch of twenty year old girls that money doesn't buy you happiness and the best riches in life are ones that can't be bought. And I can't help but wonder what my life would be if I went for the love and devotion rather than the wining & dining.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Date Night

We went out this weekend, just the two of us. I stated at the beginning that a good idea would be if neither of us could bring up anything negative about the other. Nothing. Whether it related to the house, work, the kids, etc. He agreed that this was a good ground rule. (Took us back to when we had to say no baby talk when I was pregnant!)

What was interesting was that we had a pretty good time!

But more interesting was that I had to stop myself from saying a few (nagging) things to him! Here I am, always saying "Woe is me..." and I maybe don't realize how often I bring up things that seem like I'm annoyed with him. Hmmmm. Maybe, like some have commented, I need to look within myself for happiness instead of depending on his actions/words towards me.

I couldn't believe how many times I caught myself before I bugged him about: yardwork, what was going on at work, things that need to be done around the house, how bad I want a pool, etc.

Good idea that I had, I thought it was for me to not hear grief from him, that's why I said it, but it showed me a little about myself too.

For anyone interested, he did bring up a few negative things about me (accidentally?) and instead of engaging in an argument, I just said, that's negative, let's discuss it tomorrow or later. (They were small things, I guess, like--how come I didn't I plan our annual FL trip yet, am I going to weed the flower beds soon, etc.)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Should I Not Be Upset?

Update: I guess I just wanted to know if other husbands do this stuff and I should just blow it off or if this is ridiculous to other women too... Thanks for the comments, they validate my feelings.

When he:

~~tells me I got him up on the wrong side of the bed today? (for the record, I didn't wake him up today)

~~walks into our closet after part of one of the shelves fell down and says "there was nothing of mine on there, right?" then walks out, leaving the mess

~~sees me getting dressed and says, in a disgusted voice, "oh those totally don't match"

~~says after eating dinner (which happened to be a one-dish meal) "this would make a great side dish"

~~promises to do stuff around the house and then doesn't get to it for MONTHS

~~makes me feel bad about my appearance

~~never says "please" and rarely says "thank you"

***for anyone keeping track, the "nice" behavior didn't last long... he is back to snapping at me and hating life

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Who Are You?

So, Mr. D has been nice lately. Unusually nice. To me.

So nice that I didn't want to say something and call his attention to it if he wasn't aware and then maybe he'd stop.

But so nice that I wanted to bring up how good it feels to be treated nicely.

I said something. He said, "I know, I've been trying." Hmmm, wonder what made him "try."

I'll take it. But. It's puzzling. If you have to consciously TRY to be nice to, oh I don't know, the person you are married to, it seems like something's wrong.

To be continued. Ha, we'll see what he does next.

Friday, May 1, 2009

What If HE'S Planning on Leaving ME?

Sometimes I wonder.

Maybe he knows this is falling apart a million miles a minute. Maybe he just wants to have all his kids with his first wife (which would be me) and then make a clean break and divorce me.

I mean, I have questioned (to myself, and to Mr. D) if he still actually wants to be with me, what is he doing with me if he is so unhappy.

You know, because his actions certainly make one wonder.

How sad to wonder if your spouse has every intention of leaving you after you bear his children.

But wait, isn't that what I may be doing with him?!? I am so confused.