Sometimes I Wonder

Ummm...

How can I say this? More and more lately I have been thinking what it would be like if I "chose" the blue collar guy over white collar Mr. D.

Now I know this isn't healthy. But I think back to before. When I was younger. And I wanted to find a mate that wanted (what I thought were) the same things in life that I did. Including me staying home with our children.

Because that's what I have. I married a man who is a very good financial provider, and I don't have to work. And I have the nice big diamond. And we are by no means upper class but we do well. And I know I should feel lucky.

But I wonder if in my quest to look for a life-long partner I overlooked some very important things. Like striving for a man who would ultimately respect and honor me, rather than one who would be in a career that provided such a paycheck that would allow me to give up my not-so-shabby income while berating me and making me feel hated.

I had this friend (Mr K.). I met him when I was 16 and he dated my best friend casually, and I dated one of his friends casually, and we all just hung around a lot. Then my best friend found a new guy, and I broke up with Mr K's friend. And we all still hung out a lot. Then I went off to college, and Mr K barely graduated high school and went into skilled trades. Totally different paths; totally different upbringings, etc. But we would always reconnect (on a friend level) and our friendship grew. And grew. And you know the story: we loved each other so much we decided to give the dating thing a try. And it just didn't work, and neither of us was sure why. But he wasn't the "type" to bring home to Mom & Dad, and he always felt he couldn't "give" me the "things" I wanted. (Shame on me, I know that now...) We talked about how we so loved each other though and decided not to continue dating for fear it would ruin our friendship.

Then I met Mr. D. and never really looked back. (Well, until now I guess.) At the beginning stages of mine and Mr. D's relationship, my friendship with Mr. K. was still quite strong and we still said I love you and the end of our phone calls. And as things got more serious with Mr. D, Mr. K began to wonder to me "Have I made a mistake? Did I miss my chance with you?" and on and on. I sure did think that was sweet, but I was comfortable with where my life was going, dating my college man.

Fast forward to now. Mr. K and I call each other once a year, he on my birthday, and I on his birthday. The conversations are short, friendly, and small talk.

I know if I married him I'd probably have to work. I would probably drive a used car, not get so many pedicures, not have a big diamond ring.

But....................................................................

I think I'd be loved. I think I'd feel loved. I think I'd be happy. I'm learning how I'd rather be poor and happy than comfortable and this.

I think it's terrible to have thoughts like this. I try to say it's just a version of "the grass is always greener".

Plus when I preview my post and read it, I realize I sound like one of those whiny snobs on some dumb reality show. But I'm not, really I'm not. I'm just a stay-at-home mom married to a man who's done well in his career. (Plus, a lot of what we have--say, the equity in our house, my car, etc--we got when I was working too, before we had kids and were doing the dual income thing.)

Ok. Wow. This post is all over the place.

Bottom line. I'd love to tell a bunch of twenty year old girls that money doesn't buy you happiness and the best riches in life are ones that can't be bought. And I can't help but wonder what my life would be if I went for the love and devotion rather than the wining & dining.