Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Another Baby?

Mr. D is ready. I am not.

Our families are ready. I am not.

Friends keep asking when we are going to have another, are we done.

Of course I didn't use to think we'd be done after having the twins. But I can't help thinking what if we do split up? Wouldn't it be wrong to throw another life in the mix? Won't I be less likely to leave (if that's what I decide to do) if we have another baby? Do I want to have another child with this man???

I feel like things should stabilize before we try to have another baby. I want to see if he's "going to get better" or continue being the jerk he has been. But he is pushing to start trying.

I am considering going on birth control and not telling him.

I feel like this is wrong in some aspects. Then I also feel like it's my way of saving myself, buying time, so it's ok.

I don't want him to lie to me, but I'm going to put up a pretty big lie to him? (Omission is a form of lying--obviously I don't expect him to come out and ask me.) Should I lie?

On the other hand, if things continue or get worse, I will probably be pretty upset if I'm pregnant or have an infant and have to try to leave him.

Not sure what to do. But I have some time. My dr appt isn't for several weeks, so I will decide by then.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Random Thoughts and A Secret's Out

So, I talked to Mr. D. some more about the gum throwing.

He said he too is upset that it happened. I insisted again that he needs to go to conseling if he feels like throwing things at me.

I also said I will leave him if he physically hurts me--ie, if he hits me, grabs me, shoves me, etc in anger. He nodded. Not sure what he really thinks about that.

He admitted to me yesterday (in a conversation nowhere near the gum one) that he thinks he is "mega-depressed." Uh, yeah. I have known that for a while. But what is he going to do about it? What am I to do? Should I be more patient? Isn't that what I'd want from him if I was seriously depressed? But, I wouldn't be taking it out so harshly on him (as he is to me), and I don't deserve to get dumped on.

We were supposed to go on a date tomorrow night. He's going out with his friends. I'm going to be blogging.

We planned it over a week ago. Then, 2 nights ago, I said, "We're still going out on Friday night, right?" and he said, "Uh, I kinda made plans with friends. But I'll cancel if you want me to. I'll take you out if that's what you want."

Why can't he see that I don't want to be the bad guy? Of course I told him to go ahead with his friends because why would I want to be out with someone who'd rather be doing something else? See the way he worded it? "If that's what you want". Like, obviously, that's not what he wants but he just wants to appease me. What a jerk.

I told his (great) uncle, who he is very close to, about Mr. D throwing something at me. (Ever since his grandfather died, he and the grandfather's brother have become even more close.) This particular family member has been happily married for a loooong time and is like a grandpa to me. Mr. D. respects all things Uncle J, and Uncle J loves me, etc. So I felt like getting some advice from him and bouncing Mr. D's actions off him.

He immediately said that it was very out of character for Mr. D to do something like that. (While I agree, what weight does that really hold, anyway? Do all men who treat their wives like crap do it in front of others? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo...)

He also said that he and Aunt J never hit, etc. and that "no one in our family does that." (That also means nothing to me.)

Then he asked what Mr. D threw, I told him, he seemed relieved and acted like it was less of a big deal than I was making it out to be.

THEN he said he thinks Mr. D is just frustrated right now with "work and things" (no kidding) so it'll "take a lot of patience on your part."


It was wrong for Mr. D to do that. I just don't yet know what's going to happen next.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Now What?

He threw something at me. In anger.

He threw something at me.

We were getting in the car. I was in the driver's seat. He was strapping the twins in. He was in a terrible mood. I said something that ticked him off. He threw 2 packs of gum at me, scolding me for whatever I said that pissed him off. (I can't remember what I said, but does it matter?)

I didn't do anything. Anything.

I just cried. Why didn't I get out of the car? Why didn't I make a big scene? Let him know I won't tolerate it?

I was scared.

I'm crying as I type this.

It's 27 hours after it happened. "Everything's fine." We did talk about it, as in--he said he's sorry (I, umm, believe him), he said he won't do it again, I said we really shouldn't tell anyone what he did. He agreed.

Why did I do that??

Because I'm embarassed. Hurt. Humiliated.

I made the wrong choice and now I'm living with it.

Part of me almost wants him to hit me, so I leave. Just to make the decision for me.

Because for me, a lot of this is gray. (I KNOW it's black and white to a lot of people though.)

We did talk about counseling for him. I brought it up, as in--you need to go if you ever feel like throwing things at me again. He kind of agreed.


In the minutes after it happened, (not right away, I was just too frozen I guess, and shocked, and scared) I told him:

"You are one step away from hitting me."

He didn't think so. He still insists he'll never hit me.

Hmmm. I never thought he'd throw something at me.

What if I sent him the wrong message by telling him we shouldn't tell anyone what happened? What if now he thinks he can hit me and it will be a secret? Aren't I contradicting myself? Why don't I stand up for myself? Should I leave? What if it's all just temporary and he's going to go back to his normal self?

He never used to be like this.

How long do I wait to see if this is the new him? When will I know?

What if he wants ME to leave HIM, so he doesn't look like the bad guy, leaving his kids and stay at home wife?

I'm not sure if things have gotten worse since I've started this blog, or if I'm just starting to see the light. But I still think, now what?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sad Secret

Before I get to the secret, the criticism continues.

Today I was cleaning the inside of my car. Mr. D came out, looked at the hand-vac I was using and said, "Why are you using that piece of crap?" "Did you get back here yet?" "It doesn't even look like you did this spot here."

He asked me to clean his watch. I cleaned it. He picks it up and says, "Did you even clean this?"

I feel like he's a jerk today.

This is such a sorry secret. I was listening to the radio and a woman called in, saying she'd been married for 18 years and "love him more today than I did yesterday" and so on. I know that's how I should feel. But I don't.

I think I love him less than I used to.

I wonder if he feels the same way too.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

A Breakthrough?

I read the comments on my last post. I didn't want to think that's what it was, but I guess it may be. Abuse. But I don't fear for my life. And it didn't use to be like this. That's why I feel like he can change (back to how he was). And why it's not so bad. I mean, there are women in the Middle East who can't even show their face. They are slaves to the men there. There are women dying of cancer. There are women who would like to have children. I guess I just feel like maybe I should be thankful for what I've got: everything but a perfectly wonderful relationship with my husband.

But it was sobering to read words like abuse, domestic violence, control, etc. It shook me. So I read my posts like I thought a stranger would and I felt sorry for the person too. I'm not sure how I got here. I have an education. I was always in leadership positions in school and in my work. I was the one telling friends no you shouldn't take that attitude from your guy. And him. He was not like this before. Something changed.

Earlier today I asked him if he wanted the few strawberries that were left. He said yes. So I grabbed the container from the fridge and quickly flipped the lid onto the bottom of the bowl and handed it to him. He (without taking his eyes off the tv) tossed the lid aside and said, "What the f*** do I want this for?"

Now I know I don't deserve to be spoken to like that. And the girls were sleeping, so they didn't hear him say it. (He is nicer when the kids are around, I keep reminding him how they're going to want to marry a man like their daddy...) So I said, "You should not have said that to me. You wouldn't talk to your mother or sisters like that. You wouldn't talk to a waiter in a restaurant like that so you shouldn't have said that to me." He seemed to comprehend, and apologized. (I know, I know. It doesn't make it ok if he says sorry after every time.) I said that this is verbal abuse and he said, "You don't think I abuse you, do you?" I said yes! He really seemed to think about this and I could tell he didn't like that word either. Abuse.

So now what. I want to have a happy marriage. With him. He is the person I fell in love with. I know he is semi-depressed and stressed and a different person. I can't let these changes become the norm.

These are still secrets. I can't tell my parents or my friends these things because they will make a big deal out of it. I'm not ready for the judgements they'll make, opinions they'll form.

But I may have to accept that this could be a form of abuse. It just doesn't seem like the picture of abuse I had in my head.

Friday, April 10, 2009

In Another Life...

I'll be married to someone who is crazy about me.

I'll fall in love with someone who is just as in love with me as I am him.

My husband will not just SAY he respects me, he will act like it.

There will be flowers.

There will be romance.

There will be passion.

There will be token surprises and love notes.

The kisses will linger more often than not.

My husband will think I'm beautiful.

My husband will think I'm beautiful when I'm pregnant.

My husband will act like he's proud I'm carrying his child.

My husband will learn, know and use white lies instead of being BRUTALLY honest.

I won't fear divorce.

I will be secure in the thought that once the kids are raised, we'll still be together.

When he has a terrible day at work, I will be my husband's shoulder to cry on, not his "screaming" post.

When he touches me, I'll feel warm and loved, not scared he's going to "play fight" too rough with me again.

He'll compliment my cooking more than once a year.

He won't tell me how annoyed he is that I'm sick.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Can't Win

If I make oatmeal raisin, he wanted chocolate chip.
If I get a new haircut, he asks what's wrong with the hairdresser that she did my hair like that.

My car is too dirty.
The baseboards need to be cleaned.
The kitchen sink smells.
Now one may be thinking: Is her car dirty? Does she have loads of dirt and dust sitting on her baseboards? Does she keep a clean kitchen?
No. No. Yes.

He just looks for the littlest thing, anything, and brings it up. It's really starting to grate on me. Would it hurt him to compliment or thank me once in a while?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Just Don't FEEL Lucky

All I have to do is visit MckMama's, Angie's, or Matt's blogs to remind myself how good I have it. And I pray for them and their families and feel blessed that my problems are so trivial. Except I have a different kind of pain.

I am so in love with someone who no longer loves me the same way.

His life sucks right now at work, so "kick" the wife.
Now he doesn't beat me.
That is something he's said he never hopes he gets to the point of.

Let me explain.

He is one of those men I swore I'd never end up with.

He says "If I ever get to the point where I want to hit you, you've done something really bad. Don't let me get to that."

You know, because it's got to be the woman's fault.

He clarified this recently when the whole Rihanna/Chris Brown thing was all over: "You know she threw his cell phone out the window and that's why he hit her. Stupid bitches."

The woman is to blame.

When a guy cheats, it's because the woman is no longer doing something FOR him. TO him. WITH him.

I found the following quoted in a novel I read "A man's accusing finger always finds a woman."

He is of that thinking.
"I'm not to blame. It's what she (fill in the blank)."

We "only do cards" for Valentine's Day.
This year, I didn't even get a card.

He wants me with him at every family function for his side, but he'll gladly opt out of my side anytime he can.

He is critical. Over critical. Hurtfully critical.
Once I admitted to him that occasionally I "edit" what I tell him.
He asked me why I censor the things I tell him.
That was one of my AHA moments.
I don't tell him everything because he rips apart everything I say.
The less I say, the less he has to criticize.
The less I say, the more I can ignore the fact that he's not really listening anyway.
It's sad.

But I'm not trying to be whoa is me.
I just can't help but let my imagination go.
To think of how different my life would be had I never met him.
Was I destined to end up with someone who wouldn't value me?
Would I just have been drawn to some other guy who would treat me poorly?
Or would I be with someone who thought I was the person of THEIR dreams?
I would like to think the latter.
That's also what this blog is about.
I can still dream.
He hasn't stifled that part of me yet.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

But Why Aren't The Girls Sick?

Well, I think I have the flu. It started out as just what I thought was a cold. But now it's kicking my butt and I've got all the typical flu symptoms.

But what a bad wife I am. I keep secrets from him. I haven't even told him I think I have the flu because I don't want him to know the truth.

I got the girls flu shots in November. He didn't want me to, so I told him I didn't. But I did it anyway because I trusted my gut. Good thing, because now I'm sick and, miraculously, they're not.

However. He says, "You are so sick. But why aren't the girls sick?" I just keep telling him I'm being good about not breathing on them, kissing them, etc.

If I told him that I have they flu and they don't because I got them their shots, you'd think he'd be mad for a minute then grateful or happy because it ended up being the right thing. Oh no, not my husband. He'd act like I just cheated on him or something.

So I lie.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Of Course There's Some Guilt

Sometimes I feel guilty for complaining. After all, there are people who don't have enough to eat, are losing their house, want to be married, want a baby, want to be at home with their kids.

But I get tired of the show.

And this will be my outlet.

And it's not that bad.

I don't work outside the home.

He makes decent money.

I get to be with my twins all day instead of putting them in day care.

So I play the game.

I put up the front.

New day. Same story.

Secrets of an Unhappily Married Woman.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

In The Beginning

Here's how it all started.

Very normal, like any other couple. We met, fell in love, got married. Without drama.

But something changed. I am still, to this day, trying to figure out what and when. I actually think it was more of a gradual process, as in--things were good most of the time, then good part of the time, then good most of the time, then part, then hardly ever, then a little better, now pretty much NEVER.

Let me back up.

We met while we were in college, studying different majors. I was 19, he was 20. We went out on our first date and never looked back. We dated for eight years before he felt like he was ready to propose. (Hmmm, sign??) He proposed. We had a lovely wedding with 300 people excited for us. My family loved him. His family loved me. They were all ready for us to get married. We did the DINK (dual income, no kids) thing for a while. We started TTC, got pregnant on the first try, miscarried. Tried again, got pregnant with our twin girls. He always wanted a boy first. (Hmmm, sign?)

Now I have quit my job to stay home with our girls. This is something we both want, although I did initiate the discussion back in our dating years. Even now, he says he doesn't want me to go back to work yet he misses the money.

I have to think that's part of what's wrong. He just does not respect me. Now I think he values me less because I stay home.

He throws a tissue toward the bathroom wastebasket. It misses. He leaves it. It may sound like I'm letting the little things bother me but he did not do that when I was working. He likes seeing me pick up after him and I can't stand it. It's the ultimate diss.

I don't know if he knows I'm on to him.

He looks in the cupboard for potato chips, sees there aren't any, but doesn't say anything. A few hours later he announces "I want some chips. Do we have any chips?" Just to make me feel bad.

Of course he acts like he doesn't do it to make me feel bad, but he's done it so many times I've just decided that he looks for whatever we don't have, and asks for it.

To point out how I lack. How I'm not good at anything.

The reality is
I'm not bad looking.
I go between a size 4 and 6.
I cook well.
I bake wonderfully.
I take great care of our girls.
I clean diligently.
I iron.
I garden.
I take care of our home very nicely.
But he looks for what lacks and makes me feel somehow inadequate.
It's only because he's miserable.
He didn't used to be like this.
I'm not excusing it, just trying to keep my sanity.
He yells.
He only says I love you when I say it first.
Nothing is good enough for him.
He acts like he's so much better than me.
He even thinks it's my "fault" we don't have a boy yet. Any medical book will tell you it's the father's sperm that determines the baby's gender, not the mother's egg.

Friday, April 3, 2009

On The Outside, On The Inside

Here's what we look like: the all-American family. We have it good. We are your typical middle-class family living in Suburbia.

We have no debt besides our house.

We are healthy.

We have 2 good girls.

We have a nice colonial.

We have a picket fence for pete's sake.

We have a 2 car garage, with 2 nice cars.

My husband has a college degree and a well-paying job, albeit the source of (most of) his misery.

I have a college degree and I get to stay home with our twins.

We (seemingly) have no problems.

Of course we're worried about the economy and our IRAs, his 401k, etc. But that's it, right?


Oh, he is very careful of how others see us. (I am too, hence the title of this blog...)

It's a show where only I get a front row ticket.

He doesn't want me to use the kitchen faucet while he watches tv. It's too loud.

But why isn't the kitchen cleaned up from breakfast yet?

I opened the box of granola bars too loudly.

Everything I do is just so loud.

He wants to be left alone.

But "How do I get a glass of water over here?"

He is vain, always looking in mirrors but has shamed me enough that I avoid them now.

Almost every time we go somewhere as a family, he gets mad or frustrated at me for no particular reason.

If things aren't going right, I'm the easiest to blame.

That's really the bottom line.

That's what all this is about.

His work is very stressful right now, so he takes it out on me.

That's the secret. He does it in the privacy of our own home so no one knows.

It's almost like he knows I don't want anyone to know. How thoughtful of him.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

So I Stay

I can't be the only one.

The only woman who will stay because of the kids.

There's more like me out there; I'm not special.

Are my twins better off with parents who stay married, albeit in a loveless union?

My first thought is no.


I'm too proud.

I can't swallow my pride.

I don't want them to know I've failed at marriage.

So I stay.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

To Tell A Secret...

Everyone is fooled.

I have kept it a secret and I'm going to keep it that way.

No one knows how loveless this marriage has become. No one knows how bad I feel.

Him. The twins. Family. Friends. Strangers. Even my bloggie friends don't know. I've changed my online identity to create this blog, because I've made comments on friends' blogs indicating things are just great.

They're not.

This is the beginning of my letting it out.