I go back and forth.
A lot of me, a lot of the time, wants to feel respected, important, valued, etc. I was in leadership positions starting way back in elementary school up through to, and including, my career. I have always liked feeling in charge, and been comfortable with it. I have been known to speak out in favor of gender equity, whether it be in raising children or in relationships between my girlfriends and their husbands. I have always asserted my equality to Mr. D, making sure he knows I won't be pushed around.
Then, sometimes I think that's not the way to go about it. Like when I think of how much worse it could be. When I think of how much more smoothly our household flows when I submit. And when a reader gives me a link to an article that provokes much thought (thanks Katie). Also, when I read what MckMama has to say about losing focus. So then I believe it's not that bad to swallow my pride and just shut up. To smile before I cry.
Honestly, I go through phases with this. I know it must be confusing to Mr. D because I sometimes react one way, then a week later I get upset at a similar thing.
I go back and forth.
I think what happens is that I psyche myself up to be a good wife to him and ignore his faults/ bad moods/ what have you and I put on this smile and do my best to be the best wife. Then, time goes by (could be a few days, could be a week or two), and I shake my head in disbelief at the mere thought of being less important than him, or--acting like my needs come after his.
Ok, it looks ridiculous when I type it out. I know I'm important too, blah blah blah. I think I feel insecure when I cater to his every request. Maybe it's the most secure women who can feel confident in their position of true backbone of the house, the one who is the support system for the family. I don't know.
To be continued, as always...for now (well the rest of today anway!), I'm going to do my best to look for the good, and act like it too.
Big Boo Cast: Episode 387
1 day ago
If it makes you feel any better, I been going back and forth for about TEN YEARS now! Lord, I hope you can do better than me! I have had lots of conversations with God that sound something like this, "Are you sure I'm supposed to follow him because it sure looks like he's messing things up? What about my talents, knowledge and good upbring? Am I really supposed to just give up MY vision for our family? MY vision is so godly and Christ-like and his seems so carnal and selfish."
ReplyDeleteBut the fact is, I am not in control and I have no way of making my vision a reality. I can try to cling to my desired postion and fight for control, but then I'm likely to end up like many women I know who were working toward a godly vision but now they are divorced and have deeply troubled teens.
So if I'm not in control, what I am supposed to do? I have surrendered to the one who is in control- God. God has given women very specific and simple instructions starting from creation.
Having two boys in the house has certainly made me realize that I'm not in control. When my first son was born, I looked into his little face and swore that he would not turn out like his dad- that I was going to raise him better. Ha! I'd like to blame Mike for his behavior but he is lazy, thoughtless, and inconsiderate in ways that Mike has never been. I'm convinced it's totally a guy thing and we "empowered" women are just completely unprepared for loving such beasts!
We had a real turning point last summer when I asked Mike to read, "Created to be His Help Meet" by Debi Pearl. I had read parts of it before and had read a lot of her articles, but I asked Mike to read it because I wanted to know if he agreed with what she was saying and wanted me to follow her advice.
At first I was a little annoyed when he said he didn't disagree with what she was saying. "How convenient for you!" I said. But after I started reading it again, I was brought back into the "going forth" mode and things have been going pretty well around here.
That's not to say I don't get a little panicky (about once a month) and question everything, but it's so much better than where we've been and where you are.
Thank you for being so open. I loved MckMama's timely post about focus. I'm glad you read it. She has done such a wonderful job with sharing her experiences in her marriage. Have you read her other posts about marriage?
I have a few copies of "Created." Would you like me to send you one?
Mrs D, I was you.
ReplyDeleteI decided to make the best of my marriage, 'suck it up' so to speak. I was doing it for my children.
Let me ask you a couple questions;
1. Do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
2. Have you ever been afraid of Mr. D?
3. Do you dread when he comes home?
4. Does the tension in the house leave when he does only to rise when he comes back?
Excellent questions.
ReplyDeleteAnd Melinda, what were your answers and where are you now?
Hey there. Just checking back in again. I see you haven't written lately. Hoping that means things are well. Just wanted to say I've been thinking of you....
ReplyDelete