Although my husband was not this mean to me, as often, before--I think back to our dating years and remember some things that I should have taken as predictions for the future. Or warnings. Whatever.
He would tell me, "You're not cold," when we were traveling in the car, arguing over the settings.
We would play-fight, I'd get hurt, he'd say, "That didn't hurt."
These statements cannot be proved to be true. He can't say I'm not cold because he's not me; also, it's an opinion or relative term to be cold, hurt, anything. He just didn't respect what I said/felt/did.
He has told me a few times in the past to "wipe that look off your face." I just heard that one again over the weekend and boy it was...chilling, disappointing, sad.
I can remember going clothes shopping together years ago and him getting furious with me for taking too long in the dressing room! Accusing me of purposely going slow to make him mad (crazy, I know).
Men don't change. I know that now. And I am aware that it's almost fruitless to try and change Mr. D. I can only change how I feel, how I react, how I deal with what he does.
I would like to think some good could come of this (blog). Maybe a woman dating someone who sounds like Mr. D will rethink her future with him because she read this. Maybe I can help other women see that their grass is greener!! They don't have it so bad when they read this junk.
It just feels sad to be married to someone who you feel doesn't really love you.
******As a few asides,
My favorite movie was on tv yesterday and he knew it and didn't tell me until it was halfway through. What a jerk.
I wanted to share that I did go to my ob/gyn for my annual check and did not ask for birth control. I just decided that it would be best not to do that behind his back even though I am still not ready. I will simply make my case to start trying again later next time Mr. D. pushes the issue.
Also, I am resolved to thinking I will not consider the option of leaving this marriage at this point in time. I seem to go back and forth about it and now the pendulum has swung back to the "I'm going to give it my all and make this marriage work!" mentality. Although it remains to be seen how long I will feel this way. Back a few months ago, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to remain in this union. Now I am just going to try to make lemonade I guess.
Big Boo Cast: Episode 387
17 hours ago
So, what was it that attracted you to your husband the caused you to overlook his charater flaws?
ReplyDeleteMy husband is tall and snuggly and gives the best backrubs. He was also so laid-back and generally content with life.
i admire your perseverance! giving up would be the easy way out, and i totally respect you for sticking it out. that said, life is too short to be unhappy too. i wouldn't even begin to try to tell you what i thought was the right decision. i'm not in your shoes, and i wouldn't dare try to speculate about how you're feeling. just know that you have a friend praying for you in bloggy land. i just keep praying for peace and for you to be happy, however it happens.
ReplyDeleteAnd I keep praying that God will grant you real wisdom in the decisions you make and that He will give you clear eyes to see the truth of the situation and the courage to "do the right thing" for yourself and for your precious little girls. They - not Mr.D - must be your number one priority. And please God, don't let her get pregnant and bring another child into this untenable situation. That would be the easy way out - that would make your decision for you. And then you would no longer have to do the hard thing. But that would only increase your misery index exponentially - and that of your children. Don't just "let" this bad situation happen to you. Make some choices instead of letting your choices be made for you - that also is making a choice. The worst choice.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled on your blog this morning before work. I had to come back this afternoon to read the history.
ReplyDeleteI have been where you are and want you to know there could be hope. After 22 years of marriage, I thought I had him all figured out. I thought there was no way he could change! I was wrong!
We ahve been back together for two years and life is NOT the same...it is better.
I would love to share our story if you would like to email me. navyprix3164@yahoo.com.
Most of all remember that your family can be of great help for both of you. There will be judgment in the beginning, but it passes. Don't underestimate them.
http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/marriage-family/husbandwife-relations/article-display/archive/2001/may/05/a-wise-woman-builds-her-house/
ReplyDeleteSorry, for so many comments. I wanted to respond to different parts of your post but don't always have two free hands to type.
ReplyDeleteFirst, great job on resolving to stick it out. It will be worth it. The key for me was to believe and understand that I was created to be Mike helper not the other way around. I was created to support and complete and encourage him to become the man God intends for him to be.
I know that is totally counter-cultural but can a lawn mower make a pizza or an vaccuum cut down a tree? Those items were designed by a creator with a specific purpose. You were designed with a purpose; to support your husband.
I'm glad you decided against the BCP. Are you aware of Natural Family Planning or the Fertility Awareness Method? If you learn those you can initiate intimacy during your least fertile times of the month. That way you can avoid the "I think you're a terrible man, husband and father so we shouldn't have any more kids."
In my experience, that's where most marital problems start. The wife does not love or accept her husband for who he is. I'm guessing the look on your face was not one of complete love, admiration, devotion and pleasure. Right? His not-so-nice comment was his way of saying, "When you look at me like that I feel like less of a man. I feel incompetent and rejected. Please stop making me feel that way."
As far as the movie issue, I have a hard time believing he deliberately neglecting to tell you the movie was on just to be mean. If he did, than I suggest you look at it from this perspective. In the book To Train Up a Child, also by the Pearls from the link above, it refers to the situation when the interactions between the parent and the child have developed into pointless, ineffective, hurtful communication. Things need to change and the parents, because they are the parents, need to be the first ones to do it.
As the one who has put herself out here, looking for help, you can be the first one to make those changes despite that fact that for a while he is going to continue in his old patterns of behavior. And your new changes may be met with resistance and rejection. Perservere!
On a practical note, two things that will mean big things in your home.
1. Make a big deal about Daddy's arrivals and departures. Focus on teaching your girls by example. "Goodby, Daddy. I love you! Have a good day!" Let your smiling faces waving out the window be that last thing he sees when he leaves the house, no matter where he's going or how you feel about his leaving.
Then "Yeah, Daddy's home! We're so glad you come back! We missed you! Thank you for working so hard for us!" Men love dogs because they drop everything and rush to meet them at the door. Keep that image in your mind. Feel free to jump on him and lick him, too!
2. When he does or says mean things to you, don't get hurt or upset by it, only pretend to! In a Shirly Temple sort of way, stomp your foot and say, "Oh, you big old gouchy bear, that was mean!" with a half smile and a pout.
Many prayers for you and your family!
Katie
Um, I am set now to follow your blog. I am sorry to say that I am not as wonderful and uplifting as these other women. I am brutally honest, but I will never be mean to you, because YOU don't deserve it! I don't even know if HE does, but I am seriously ready to drive to Mr. D.'s world and let him know what it is like for a spouse to treat HIM badly! Recently a friend, male and disabled, contacted me and told me horror stories of his wife abusing him mentally and physically. I am still livid from this and reading that someone thinks they have some magical power to treat you terrible is very frustrating! I did post your comment on my blog. I will, however, take it off, if you don't want it on there. I have friends would would be wonderful and supportive. I think they would support you the way these other women do. I guess I should pray for that kind of tolerance, huh? UGH! Anyway, enough about my shortcomings. I just want you to know you are worth it! I don't have to know you to know that you don't deserve abuse. It is a general idea that no one does!
ReplyDeletePlease just promise me this, if he starts treating YOUR children the way he is treating YOU, you will do something proactive. If you are willing to live with him, or have hope for him, that is one thing, but please don't let your kids live it too. My mom, whom I lost in 2007, was abused terribly as a child and it is not ok. Enough rambling. Keep your chin up!