Wednesday, June 3, 2009

The Truth About Secrets

They make you withdraw from people.

I am lonely sometimes. I sometimes want to talk with my mom/friends/sisters about Mr. D and our marriage but I always hold back.

It's hard to keep secrets. Oh, not the lying part. I'm ashamed to say I've got that down pat. I have my standard responses and smiles. What's hard is that I'm choosing to put up a barrier. I keep my distance so there's less chances for me to "have" to lie.

What if I told my mom some of the things Mr. D said/did to me? Can you imagine? Every time she'd call, I'd hear the pity in her voice. She would always be worried. When her and my dad would come over, I would get unwanted looks of despair and concern. And what if it totally changed their opinion (and therefore behavior towards) of him?

And my friends? If they knew what I was putting up with it would invalidate so much of the encouragement and support I've given them when their husbands did random idiotic things. And I think they'd feel (rightfully) hurt that I didn't share these things with them.

So I choose to not tell the truth, because this way I'm the only one that suffers.

On a different note, Mr. D actually said the other day, "I know it's been a rough couple of years but we'll get through this and I'm more in love with you now than I was before." !!!!! The love part threw me for a loop (the part about it being rough was a no-brainer!) and I'm trying to figure out how not to overanalyze what he said. (Since I seem to have trained myself to pounce on everything he says.)

I think I'm learning I need to work on me instead of focusing on the idea that my happiness comes from others. More about that soon.

4 comments:

  1. I just linked over from another blog, and I wanted to say that I've lived where you are now, and in my case, it got much worse before it got better. I guess I just wanted to say that that last thought, "learning I need to work on me instead of focusing on the idea that my happiness comes from others" is the key, or at least it was for me. That will save you alot of the mistakes I made.

    For what it's worth, I think the idea of this blog is a good one. It's good to have a place to think and talk things through. My mistake was letting everyone know about my blogs, so I couldn't use them like this.

    I'd be happy to share my story with you if you're interested. Obviously I can't offer advice since I don't know the details, and that's ok. But know that it CAN get better. I still thank God every day that he brought us as far as we've come...I'd never have believed it. But we still have a LONG way to go. Now I have faith that we'll get there. Amazing.

    Blessings... RK

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  2. I have often pondered the verse in Proverbs 31 about the virtuous woman doing her husband good and not evil all the days of his life and his heart is safe with her. For me this means not sharing his mistakes, shortcomings, errors, or character flaws.

    That used to be how I would connect with other women; that's what we would talk about, that's how I would show a women I know how she's feeling. I do feel less connected with other women and sometimes I feel like there's nothing to talk about. But I do feel more connected and sensitive to my husband and more connected to God because I can tattle freely to him about my irritations with my husband and sons. My sons actually taught me more about respecting privacy because they voiced their embarrassment by my story sharing.

    It will take time for your emotions to follow as you begin to practice new behaviors. It is very easy for you to see and be aware of how he is not meeting your needs or behaving in the way you expected, but it takes a lot more work to understand him and how you may not be meeting his needs.

    I pray that you will see him the way God sees him; as a hurt and broken child who is lashing out at those who are closest to him. My your words bring him healing and may God's words heal you.

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  3. Oh Lady, I don't even know you and my brain aches over this! I know God and I believe in God, but I am not thinking anything nice or wonderful that could come of this. My grandma lived in an abuse riddled relationship, so as not to break up the family. I guess that is why I am so strong to speak against it. I grew up knowing it started with her and spilled over to the kids eventually. Again, I don't know you, but what if that happened here? I am sorry. I should not have an opinion! I will try to keep it to myself! If you could only feel the adrenaline running through my veins, you would know that as an outsider, I am ready to pounce! I would like to follow your blog, if you don't mind. Maybe I can even leak a little of my anti-abuse feelings your way? I will certainly pray for you, but I will be praying that your strength will help you figure out how to work with this situation in a way that is best for all of you, even if that does not include him in your lives. Sorry, again about the opinion!

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  4. Might I add, that I don't disagree with the part about working on yourself. I almost ended up with a failed marriage a few years ago. I wanted out. I felt lonely. I felt sad. I felt depressed and this was all in a house full of people! I wanted out so bad I could taste it, but instead, I woke up one morning and decided that if I could do something to help myself and then focus on everything else around me, I might just be able to make my marriage work. It has worked. We are happy now. We still argue from time to time. I think everyone does. There was no underlying abuse of any sort, unless ignorance to the needs of your spouse counts, but he really did want things to work and really tries to see problems and signs before things start to go back to the way they were. Starting to babble! UGH!

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