Time Off

So, I have not posted lately because I'm trying so hard to not complain about Mr. D.

It's, umm, not working so I'll be posting about my car and eating habits tomorrow (and what Mr. D has to say about both, of course).

Back & Forth

I go back and forth.

A lot of me, a lot of the time, wants to feel respected, important, valued, etc. I was in leadership positions starting way back in elementary school up through to, and including, my career. I have always liked feeling in charge, and been comfortable with it. I have been known to speak out in favor of gender equity, whether it be in raising children or in relationships between my girlfriends and their husbands. I have always asserted my equality to Mr. D, making sure he knows I won't be pushed around.

Then, sometimes I think that's not the way to go about it. Like when I think of how much worse it could be. When I think of how much more smoothly our household flows when I submit. And when a reader gives me a link to an article that provokes much thought (thanks Katie). Also, when I read what MckMama has to say about losing focus. So then I believe it's not that bad to swallow my pride and just shut up. To smile before I cry.

Honestly, I go through phases with this. I know it must be confusing to Mr. D because I sometimes react one way, then a week later I get upset at a similar thing.

I go back and forth.

I think what happens is that I psyche myself up to be a good wife to him and ignore his faults/ bad moods/ what have you and I put on this smile and do my best to be the best wife. Then, time goes by (could be a few days, could be a week or two), and I shake my head in disbelief at the mere thought of being less important than him, or--acting like my needs come after his.

Ok, it looks ridiculous when I type it out. I know I'm important too, blah blah blah. I think I feel insecure when I cater to his every request. Maybe it's the most secure women who can feel confident in their position of true backbone of the house, the one who is the support system for the family. I don't know.

To be continued, as always...for now (well the rest of today anway!), I'm going to do my best to look for the good, and act like it too.

They Don't Change

Although my husband was not this mean to me, as often, before--I think back to our dating years and remember some things that I should have taken as predictions for the future. Or warnings. Whatever.

He would tell me, "You're not cold," when we were traveling in the car, arguing over the settings.

We would play-fight, I'd get hurt, he'd say, "That didn't hurt."

These statements cannot be proved to be true. He can't say I'm not cold because he's not me; also, it's an opinion or relative term to be cold, hurt, anything. He just didn't respect what I said/felt/did.

He has told me a few times in the past to "wipe that look off your face." I just heard that one again over the weekend and boy it was...chilling, disappointing, sad.

I can remember going clothes shopping together years ago and him getting furious with me for taking too long in the dressing room! Accusing me of purposely going slow to make him mad (crazy, I know).

Men don't change. I know that now. And I am aware that it's almost fruitless to try and change Mr. D. I can only change how I feel, how I react, how I deal with what he does.

I would like to think some good could come of this (blog). Maybe a woman dating someone who sounds like Mr. D will rethink her future with him because she read this. Maybe I can help other women see that their grass is greener!! They don't have it so bad when they read this junk.

It just feels sad to be married to someone who you feel doesn't really love you.



******As a few asides,

My favorite movie was on tv yesterday and he knew it and didn't tell me until it was halfway through. What a jerk.

I wanted to share that I did go to my ob/gyn for my annual check and did not ask for birth control. I just decided that it would be best not to do that behind his back even though I am still not ready. I will simply make my case to start trying again later next time Mr. D. pushes the issue.

Also, I am resolved to thinking I will not consider the option of leaving this marriage at this point in time. I seem to go back and forth about it and now the pendulum has swung back to the "I'm going to give it my all and make this marriage work!" mentality. Although it remains to be seen how long I will feel this way. Back a few months ago, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to remain in this union. Now I am just going to try to make lemonade I guess.

The Truth About Secrets

They make you withdraw from people.

I am lonely sometimes. I sometimes want to talk with my mom/friends/sisters about Mr. D and our marriage but I always hold back.

It's hard to keep secrets. Oh, not the lying part. I'm ashamed to say I've got that down pat. I have my standard responses and smiles. What's hard is that I'm choosing to put up a barrier. I keep my distance so there's less chances for me to "have" to lie.

What if I told my mom some of the things Mr. D said/did to me? Can you imagine? Every time she'd call, I'd hear the pity in her voice. She would always be worried. When her and my dad would come over, I would get unwanted looks of despair and concern. And what if it totally changed their opinion (and therefore behavior towards) of him?

And my friends? If they knew what I was putting up with it would invalidate so much of the encouragement and support I've given them when their husbands did random idiotic things. And I think they'd feel (rightfully) hurt that I didn't share these things with them.

So I choose to not tell the truth, because this way I'm the only one that suffers.

On a different note, Mr. D actually said the other day, "I know it's been a rough couple of years but we'll get through this and I'm more in love with you now than I was before." !!!!! The love part threw me for a loop (the part about it being rough was a no-brainer!) and I'm trying to figure out how not to overanalyze what he said. (Since I seem to have trained myself to pounce on everything he says.)

I think I'm learning I need to work on me instead of focusing on the idea that my happiness comes from others. More about that soon.