Last week, we went over my sister's house for dinner. Two things happened that made me feel, once again, like Mr. D sees me as a second-class citizen.
We took my car and Mr. D drove it (the car seats for the girls are in there so we always take my car when we do family things instead of switching car seats around or buying extra; sometimes I drive and he's in the passenger seat, sometimes vice versa). He was stressed about his terrible work day (what's new?) and we went over a few bumps where there was some construction.
He went off! You would think that I went and purposely had him drive over the bumps in my SUV (which take the bumps not as smoothly as his business sedan but not terribly by any means). He screamed about what a piece of **** my car is, how can I drive this, what am I doing to the car to make it like this, blah blah blah. (Ummmmm, he is actually the one who strongly encouraged me to get this particular vehicle back in 2006.)
So, let's recap. Mr. D drives my car, hits bumps, yells at me, I blame it on how rough work is for him lately, and apologize for having a crappy car (even though it's not).
And we haven't even gotten to my sister's yet!
Fast forward to dinner. Dessert, actually. We had a few things to choose from: cheesecake and pie. I had cheesecake. Then my sister asked me if I would please try this new pie recipe she made. Of course I said yes! What happened next is (what I believe is) foolproof emotional abuse from Mr. D.
He grabbed my hip/butt area (no one saw this) and shook it.
(So, right now I do have about 5-7 pounds to lose but come on.)
I say this is foolproof because I can't prove he did it to be mean (he's done stuff like this before, that I just can't prove). I know I could be just cynical or pessimistic. When I question him, he's like, "What, I can't grab my wife?" And I guess that really could be it, you know, just terrible timing. That it just so happens to be right after I agree to a second piece of dessert. And when I call him out on it, he acts so innocent.
Needless to say, I had that piece of pie but did not enjoy it.
I read one of Geneen Roth's columns in Good Housekeeping recently and the one thing that stood out was when she said something along the lines of "shame never leads to long term change." I read that part to Mr. D (days after the pie incident) and of course he didn't make any connections. (Remember, he's acting under the premise that he doesn't care if I eat an extra dessert...)
And so our secrets continue. The car thing, whatever. The dessert thing, I would be too mortified to tell my friends/parents he did that. I can't believe I take it. I am so ashamed; I would never want my girls to end up with someone like their father.
Big Boo Cast: Episode 386
2 days ago
Oh Lady! I would have eaten 6 pieces of pie and the rest of the cheesecake! (Remember, I told you that I would not be able to be one of the wonderful women who comment about how it will change and all will be well just as soon as...) I would have eaten and smiled! I am 10 pounds heavier than I want to be, if not 15 and my husband is just so happy that my over 30 butt has gotten smaller since our 4 biological child. Honestly though, sometimes it makes me a little crazy that he is so into what I think looks terrible! So, I guess it goes both ways!
ReplyDeleteEither way, I am sorry that you feel like you are being treated in an unloving way. I wish it could be different. All people should feel loved, honestly loved.
i know it wouldn't have done any good in the longterm, but i would have (liked to.. ha!) shoved the pie down his throat. bless your heart! jackass. (him .. definitely not you! ha!)
ReplyDeleteThey probably will. That is what statistics say. That is all they will ever know. And that is why so often children of alcoholics most often marry alcoholics. That is just statistics. He is incredibly disrectful. Some might even say abusive. And of course the shame is why so many women stay with men who abuse them. There is no shame in doing the right thing for your little girls.
ReplyDeleteHa! I think this is funny that you have this secret blog- Oh 5-7 pounds ain't nothing to lose. YOu should brag about how great YOU think YOU look but don't make it obvious...and have more pie. That way if he really does think you need to lose weight or not eat pie he will just have to say it now won't he!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No more beating around the bush....You really need to drag his butt to couseling because they can help you feel better about yourself but this man will ultimatley need to change. IMO
ReplyDeleteThis is the first blog I've ever read. Was actually looking for my g/friend who's having marital problems and looking for help, a way out with 4 young kids. I like what you have to say and how you say it. It really struck me when you said that you don't want your daughters to end up with a man like your husband. I'm 51 and have been married for 26 years to a good man, a great man, really. But I'm sure I thought the same thing at some point in our marriage. I never wanted to marry, coming from divorce myself. I knew it'd be hard. I also knew what I would definitely Not accept and made sure hubby knew too. Like I said, this is my first reading so I don't know if you've talked with your husband about how you feel, but if not, definitely do. Believe it or not, he may not be aware, they really can't read our minds. It's baffling how many marriages are ending while the kids are still young. Good luck to you. I will pass your blog along to my friend.
ReplyDelete