Sorry

I haven't purposely been holding back how I'm doing--I'm just avoiding blogging for now.

But I wanted to let the few of you know that things are going very very GOOD! We are having another girl, due April 15th. No complications, everything looks good so far with her. (But no name yet!) I am feeling great and Mr. D and I are getting along wonderfully lately. For about the last 2-3 months, things are really good between us.

I guess that's why I feel guilty keeping this blog behind his back. I don't plan to post again anytime soon, but for some reason I feel like keeping a "record" in case I want to go back over things, so I'm not deleting the blog. Yet.

I am still ever grateful to those of you who gave encouraging comments, followed me, and provided advice and support. Thank you.

I'm Pregnant

Can you believe it? I can't! But 3 tests tell me so! Mr. D is very excited and after I got over the shock I found myself very happy and excited also.

There is nothing I enjoy more than being a mother and I think it's the best thing on earth. If I didn't have (enough) motivation before to "fix" myself and begin to mend my relationship with Mr. D, I do now.

I appreciate all your support. I honestly am POSITIVE I wouldn't be going to conseling soon if it weren't for your encouragement and opinions. But, I think I am going to take a break from blogging right now as I sort out whether or not I should keep this secret going behind his back. So, I don't want to leave you hanging but I need to get things together. This is not my last post, just my last one for a while.

Reality and a Test

Back to "normal"!!! So much for the UNO bond we shared! Mr. D came home from work today in a terrible mood, and I just added to it. He came up to the door, hands full and knocked and knocked to be let in because he didn't want to put his stuff down to get his key out. I didn't hear him, so I didn't let him in. I was vacuuming! Shame on me. He didn't actually yell at me, but came in swearing about his bad luck with timing and blah blah blah. Pooooooooooooooooor baby.

And. Umm. I'm late. You know, LATE. I am taking a test tomorrow morning but I am already a few days late and I'm usually pretty predictable.

UNO Anyone?

We played UNO last night. Just me and Mr. D. We never play UNO.

It was so much fun! We both really enjoyed playing together.

I couldn't believe how it was so nice and normal to just hang out and get along! The tv was off and everything, how special I know. LOL

(Now, I know this doesn't change things permanently or mean he can be a jerk and then be nice and everything's fine and blah blah blah, but I just thought I'd share with all you wonderful web friends/followers that I'm not always on the verge of tears and feeling like the bottom of a shoe!)

~~~Yes I'm still going to call. And I am still ever grateful for your continued support.~~~

Avoiding

So I'm avoiding calling, I'm avoiding posting because I know what I'm supposed to do. I just haven't done it.

I'm no expert but for me I guess there is a time period for each step. As in, 1--decide I need help, 2--get counselor # and insurance info, 3--call and set it up...

I am stuck between 2 and 3. I think I'm still in the "accepting I need help and really taking this outside our house" phase. (besides taking it into the web world!)

Thank you for your support and encouragement. It's been hard for me to think I'm going to have to talk, in person, to another human being about what I've kept in our home for so long. (I guess that makes it all that much more real, if that makes any sense?)

I will keep you posted because you are my outlet and support forum!

Maybe I Should Get Him Earplugs...

I went out tonight to get some things at the store. I came home, parked in the driveway (I'm painting something in the garage right now so we aren't parking in there/coming in through there), and came in the front door--which was locked.

He was so irritated at how loud the key turned in the door. It disturbed him (he was napping on the couch.) He was, well--disgusted with me.

I think he hates me.

(No I didn't call yet, yes I'm still going to.)

Counseling Update

So, I've decided I need it.

And I have the number to call.

I just haven't called yet.

But I will. Just don't know when.

Ok, This Is Not Good

I am sneaking food now.

I am not talking about the occasional lunch stop for a fast food burger and fries and just not telling Mr. D. I am talking about the 3 blizzards I had in the last 4 days and I felt I had to throw out the "evidence" before he saw it. I am talking about the potato chips I bought and ate in the car so he wouldn't see. I am talking about snacking on things when he isn't looking and now craving all things bad (food-wise) because I feel like I shouldn't have them.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

This is not good.

Oh, are you wondering why I am doing this? It's most likely because of the pie incident and because Mr. D recently said to me, "We really need to lose some weight, huh?"

(I need to lose 5 lbs, he needs to lose 20 for us both to get back to our wedding weight.)

OR.................................

I need to stop blaming others and take responsibility for my own actions???? I guess I shouldn't say he is the reason why I eat, blah blah blah.

I will just add this to the list of things to talk to the counselor about! It's getting pretty long.

He Wants to Read a Book

Today, about 5pm, here's what our house looked like:

The girls are all over the place, playing with toys, getting hungry for dinner, being loud, normal toddler girls.

I am in our kitchen, beginning to get dinner ready (remember that's where the LOUD kitchen sink is--Yikes!).

Mr. D is on the couch (as usual) reading a book (nice to have the tv off though).

I said something to him of very low importance, can't remember what. He looked up, irritated to have been interrupted from reading. Said something back, then went back to reading.

Five minutes go by, and the girls are still playing and I'm still in the kitchen, which is open to the family room. And I forgot. I forgot he was reading. I forgot I shouldn't interrupt him while he is trying to read a book in the family room amongst 2 small children playing in the middle of the day while his wife is cooking just feet from him. I said something to him, I don't know, about next weekend or the weather or something.

And he just got nasty. Dramatically threw the book aside, sighing loudly, rolling his eyes (my personal favorite), saying, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" I quickly realized my huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge mistake and apologized, saying sorry I forgot you were reading. Then, he's all--well I put the book down, so what's so important? Of course it wasn't important, I was just making some dumb small talk so when I repeated it, he was like that's fine, whatever. And he went back to reading.

Cue my bad luck here.

Then less than 10 minutes later, I went to check on dinner, which was on the grill. The gas had run out and dinner was nowhere near done. We have an extra tank in the garage. But I can't swap them out. Heck, I can barely carry one, right?

So I head in, knowing I'm in for it now. He's reading. I sweetly (as sweet as possible), softly ask, "Honey?"

More dramatic expressions implying how could I be in his world, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to him, etc. What a selfish baby. He changes the tanks and on the way back to his book whines, like a little kid, "I just want to read my book!"

I told him to go finish it in the bedroom! Ha

I Guess I Need Help...

So, I've been thinking it over and I've decided that, yes, I should see a counselor.

I haven't worked out the details yet: should I go alone, then ask Mr. D to come too? is this counseling for me and the way I see my world or should it be marriage counseling? does insurance pay for it? if I decide to go just me, how do I bring it up to Mr. D?

By the way, over the weekend Mr. D said to me, "Honey, I've talked to all my friends and they have it ten times worse than I do." (on the subject of relationships/marriage) Soooooooooooo I guess this means he thinks his grass is greener sometimes??? Interesting to me though, is how he worded it "worse than me..." as in HE thinks HE'S got it bad? I should show him my blog!

Ha! Just kidding, I think the ramifications of that would be catastrophic.

On the upside though I guess it's good that all he has to do is talk to his buddies to realize I am a good companion/homemaker/wife/partner/whathaveyou.

Whatever! I'll ride this high out for as long as he will... (until the next bad thing happens at work, of course!)

My SUV and a Piece of Pie

Last week, we went over my sister's house for dinner. Two things happened that made me feel, once again, like Mr. D sees me as a second-class citizen.

We took my car and Mr. D drove it (the car seats for the girls are in there so we always take my car when we do family things instead of switching car seats around or buying extra; sometimes I drive and he's in the passenger seat, sometimes vice versa). He was stressed about his terrible work day (what's new?) and we went over a few bumps where there was some construction.

He went off! You would think that I went and purposely had him drive over the bumps in my SUV (which take the bumps not as smoothly as his business sedan but not terribly by any means). He screamed about what a piece of **** my car is, how can I drive this, what am I doing to the car to make it like this, blah blah blah. (Ummmmm, he is actually the one who strongly encouraged me to get this particular vehicle back in 2006.)

So, let's recap. Mr. D drives my car, hits bumps, yells at me, I blame it on how rough work is for him lately, and apologize for having a crappy car (even though it's not).

And we haven't even gotten to my sister's yet!

Fast forward to dinner. Dessert, actually. We had a few things to choose from: cheesecake and pie. I had cheesecake. Then my sister asked me if I would please try this new pie recipe she made. Of course I said yes! What happened next is (what I believe is) foolproof emotional abuse from Mr. D.

He grabbed my hip/butt area (no one saw this) and shook it.

(So, right now I do have about 5-7 pounds to lose but come on.)

I say this is foolproof because I can't prove he did it to be mean (he's done stuff like this before, that I just can't prove). I know I could be just cynical or pessimistic. When I question him, he's like, "What, I can't grab my wife?" And I guess that really could be it, you know, just terrible timing. That it just so happens to be right after I agree to a second piece of dessert. And when I call him out on it, he acts so innocent.

Needless to say, I had that piece of pie but did not enjoy it.

I read one of Geneen Roth's columns in Good Housekeeping recently and the one thing that stood out was when she said something along the lines of "shame never leads to long term change." I read that part to Mr. D (days after the pie incident) and of course he didn't make any connections. (Remember, he's acting under the premise that he doesn't care if I eat an extra dessert...)

And so our secrets continue. The car thing, whatever. The dessert thing, I would be too mortified to tell my friends/parents he did that. I can't believe I take it. I am so ashamed; I would never want my girls to end up with someone like their father.

Time Off

So, I have not posted lately because I'm trying so hard to not complain about Mr. D.

It's, umm, not working so I'll be posting about my car and eating habits tomorrow (and what Mr. D has to say about both, of course).

Back & Forth

I go back and forth.

A lot of me, a lot of the time, wants to feel respected, important, valued, etc. I was in leadership positions starting way back in elementary school up through to, and including, my career. I have always liked feeling in charge, and been comfortable with it. I have been known to speak out in favor of gender equity, whether it be in raising children or in relationships between my girlfriends and their husbands. I have always asserted my equality to Mr. D, making sure he knows I won't be pushed around.

Then, sometimes I think that's not the way to go about it. Like when I think of how much worse it could be. When I think of how much more smoothly our household flows when I submit. And when a reader gives me a link to an article that provokes much thought (thanks Katie). Also, when I read what MckMama has to say about losing focus. So then I believe it's not that bad to swallow my pride and just shut up. To smile before I cry.

Honestly, I go through phases with this. I know it must be confusing to Mr. D because I sometimes react one way, then a week later I get upset at a similar thing.

I go back and forth.

I think what happens is that I psyche myself up to be a good wife to him and ignore his faults/ bad moods/ what have you and I put on this smile and do my best to be the best wife. Then, time goes by (could be a few days, could be a week or two), and I shake my head in disbelief at the mere thought of being less important than him, or--acting like my needs come after his.

Ok, it looks ridiculous when I type it out. I know I'm important too, blah blah blah. I think I feel insecure when I cater to his every request. Maybe it's the most secure women who can feel confident in their position of true backbone of the house, the one who is the support system for the family. I don't know.

To be continued, as always...for now (well the rest of today anway!), I'm going to do my best to look for the good, and act like it too.

They Don't Change

Although my husband was not this mean to me, as often, before--I think back to our dating years and remember some things that I should have taken as predictions for the future. Or warnings. Whatever.

He would tell me, "You're not cold," when we were traveling in the car, arguing over the settings.

We would play-fight, I'd get hurt, he'd say, "That didn't hurt."

These statements cannot be proved to be true. He can't say I'm not cold because he's not me; also, it's an opinion or relative term to be cold, hurt, anything. He just didn't respect what I said/felt/did.

He has told me a few times in the past to "wipe that look off your face." I just heard that one again over the weekend and boy it was...chilling, disappointing, sad.

I can remember going clothes shopping together years ago and him getting furious with me for taking too long in the dressing room! Accusing me of purposely going slow to make him mad (crazy, I know).

Men don't change. I know that now. And I am aware that it's almost fruitless to try and change Mr. D. I can only change how I feel, how I react, how I deal with what he does.

I would like to think some good could come of this (blog). Maybe a woman dating someone who sounds like Mr. D will rethink her future with him because she read this. Maybe I can help other women see that their grass is greener!! They don't have it so bad when they read this junk.

It just feels sad to be married to someone who you feel doesn't really love you.



******As a few asides,

My favorite movie was on tv yesterday and he knew it and didn't tell me until it was halfway through. What a jerk.

I wanted to share that I did go to my ob/gyn for my annual check and did not ask for birth control. I just decided that it would be best not to do that behind his back even though I am still not ready. I will simply make my case to start trying again later next time Mr. D. pushes the issue.

Also, I am resolved to thinking I will not consider the option of leaving this marriage at this point in time. I seem to go back and forth about it and now the pendulum has swung back to the "I'm going to give it my all and make this marriage work!" mentality. Although it remains to be seen how long I will feel this way. Back a few months ago, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to remain in this union. Now I am just going to try to make lemonade I guess.

The Truth About Secrets

They make you withdraw from people.

I am lonely sometimes. I sometimes want to talk with my mom/friends/sisters about Mr. D and our marriage but I always hold back.

It's hard to keep secrets. Oh, not the lying part. I'm ashamed to say I've got that down pat. I have my standard responses and smiles. What's hard is that I'm choosing to put up a barrier. I keep my distance so there's less chances for me to "have" to lie.

What if I told my mom some of the things Mr. D said/did to me? Can you imagine? Every time she'd call, I'd hear the pity in her voice. She would always be worried. When her and my dad would come over, I would get unwanted looks of despair and concern. And what if it totally changed their opinion (and therefore behavior towards) of him?

And my friends? If they knew what I was putting up with it would invalidate so much of the encouragement and support I've given them when their husbands did random idiotic things. And I think they'd feel (rightfully) hurt that I didn't share these things with them.

So I choose to not tell the truth, because this way I'm the only one that suffers.

On a different note, Mr. D actually said the other day, "I know it's been a rough couple of years but we'll get through this and I'm more in love with you now than I was before." !!!!! The love part threw me for a loop (the part about it being rough was a no-brainer!) and I'm trying to figure out how not to overanalyze what he said. (Since I seem to have trained myself to pounce on everything he says.)

I think I'm learning I need to work on me instead of focusing on the idea that my happiness comes from others. More about that soon.

What, Really, Is the Purpose of This Blog?

I was thinking over the whole internet blogging thing. I am addicted, for sure. Mostly to reading blogs. But I feel like this blog I write is a form of therapy for me. Silent, anonymous therapy. That's free from money and time restrictions.

I have my blogs that I read faithfully. I love them. They are often a great escape for me. A great percentage of the blogs I read are good stuff. They are a nice part of my day. And I visit them often to pick me up, lift my spirits.

Yet, then I write this blog which is not rose colored in any way shape or form. Sorry for that. I do sometimes think this just looks like a whine fest. For the most part, it's very bleak and pessimistic. And I am aware of that. There are good things in my life; I guess I have mentioned some here (obviously my girls are #1!!!). But for me, it's been so theraputic to gather a collection of the negative and (later) bounce ideas off some of you.

When I started this blog, I thought I was just doing it to get some of my frustrations out. To organize my thoughts and vent a bit. I told myself it would just be my private way of letting things out that I feel I can't share with anyone in my life. I didn't think it would matter if anyone read it, and I told myself that it was fine that way.

But then, it seems, I went out searching. I left comments on others' blogs under this identity, knowing that for the most part, blog authors will click on who it is that is leaving a them a comment. I guess I subconsciously wanted someone, anyone, to hear me.

I am glad people read this blog. I feel like someone is listening to me. Since (I feel) I can't talk to my family and friends about this stuff, I am glad to know that somebody cares. The comments that are left--whether it was support, advice, a book suggestion, a new thought pattern or direction, I appreciate it all.

It also helps knowing others feel like this. Not that I want anyone to be miserable, or trapped, or whatever. But when some of you say "me too" I know I'm not crazy for being fed up!! It's also been good for me to ask "is it ok that Mr. D. did (blah blah blah)?" "do other husbands say...?" etc. because you let me know "that's unacceptable" or "here's what I did" etc.

Thank you. Thanks for reading my blog even though it's not all good news and wonderful stuff. Thank you for listening and thanks for your advice too.

Sometimes I Wonder

Ummm...

How can I say this? More and more lately I have been thinking what it would be like if I "chose" the blue collar guy over white collar Mr. D.

Now I know this isn't healthy. But I think back to before. When I was younger. And I wanted to find a mate that wanted (what I thought were) the same things in life that I did. Including me staying home with our children.

Because that's what I have. I married a man who is a very good financial provider, and I don't have to work. And I have the nice big diamond. And we are by no means upper class but we do well. And I know I should feel lucky.

But I wonder if in my quest to look for a life-long partner I overlooked some very important things. Like striving for a man who would ultimately respect and honor me, rather than one who would be in a career that provided such a paycheck that would allow me to give up my not-so-shabby income while berating me and making me feel hated.

I had this friend (Mr K.). I met him when I was 16 and he dated my best friend casually, and I dated one of his friends casually, and we all just hung around a lot. Then my best friend found a new guy, and I broke up with Mr K's friend. And we all still hung out a lot. Then I went off to college, and Mr K barely graduated high school and went into skilled trades. Totally different paths; totally different upbringings, etc. But we would always reconnect (on a friend level) and our friendship grew. And grew. And you know the story: we loved each other so much we decided to give the dating thing a try. And it just didn't work, and neither of us was sure why. But he wasn't the "type" to bring home to Mom & Dad, and he always felt he couldn't "give" me the "things" I wanted. (Shame on me, I know that now...) We talked about how we so loved each other though and decided not to continue dating for fear it would ruin our friendship.

Then I met Mr. D. and never really looked back. (Well, until now I guess.) At the beginning stages of mine and Mr. D's relationship, my friendship with Mr. K. was still quite strong and we still said I love you and the end of our phone calls. And as things got more serious with Mr. D, Mr. K began to wonder to me "Have I made a mistake? Did I miss my chance with you?" and on and on. I sure did think that was sweet, but I was comfortable with where my life was going, dating my college man.

Fast forward to now. Mr. K and I call each other once a year, he on my birthday, and I on his birthday. The conversations are short, friendly, and small talk.

I know if I married him I'd probably have to work. I would probably drive a used car, not get so many pedicures, not have a big diamond ring.

But....................................................................

I think I'd be loved. I think I'd feel loved. I think I'd be happy. I'm learning how I'd rather be poor and happy than comfortable and this.

I think it's terrible to have thoughts like this. I try to say it's just a version of "the grass is always greener".

Plus when I preview my post and read it, I realize I sound like one of those whiny snobs on some dumb reality show. But I'm not, really I'm not. I'm just a stay-at-home mom married to a man who's done well in his career. (Plus, a lot of what we have--say, the equity in our house, my car, etc--we got when I was working too, before we had kids and were doing the dual income thing.)

Ok. Wow. This post is all over the place.

Bottom line. I'd love to tell a bunch of twenty year old girls that money doesn't buy you happiness and the best riches in life are ones that can't be bought. And I can't help but wonder what my life would be if I went for the love and devotion rather than the wining & dining.

Date Night

We went out this weekend, just the two of us. I stated at the beginning that a good idea would be if neither of us could bring up anything negative about the other. Nothing. Whether it related to the house, work, the kids, etc. He agreed that this was a good ground rule. (Took us back to when we had to say no baby talk when I was pregnant!)

What was interesting was that we had a pretty good time!

But more interesting was that I had to stop myself from saying a few (nagging) things to him! Here I am, always saying "Woe is me..." and I maybe don't realize how often I bring up things that seem like I'm annoyed with him. Hmmmm. Maybe, like some have commented, I need to look within myself for happiness instead of depending on his actions/words towards me.

I couldn't believe how many times I caught myself before I bugged him about: yardwork, what was going on at work, things that need to be done around the house, how bad I want a pool, etc.

Good idea that I had, I thought it was for me to not hear grief from him, that's why I said it, but it showed me a little about myself too.

For anyone interested, he did bring up a few negative things about me (accidentally?) and instead of engaging in an argument, I just said, that's negative, let's discuss it tomorrow or later. (They were small things, I guess, like--how come I didn't I plan our annual FL trip yet, am I going to weed the flower beds soon, etc.)

Should I Not Be Upset?

Update: I guess I just wanted to know if other husbands do this stuff and I should just blow it off or if this is ridiculous to other women too... Thanks for the comments, they validate my feelings.


When he:

~~tells me I got him up on the wrong side of the bed today? (for the record, I didn't wake him up today)

~~walks into our closet after part of one of the shelves fell down and says "there was nothing of mine on there, right?" then walks out, leaving the mess

~~sees me getting dressed and says, in a disgusted voice, "oh those totally don't match"

~~says after eating dinner (which happened to be a one-dish meal) "this would make a great side dish"

~~promises to do stuff around the house and then doesn't get to it for MONTHS

~~makes me feel bad about my appearance

~~never says "please" and rarely says "thank you"

***for anyone keeping track, the "nice" behavior didn't last long... he is back to snapping at me and hating life

Who Are You?

So, Mr. D has been nice lately. Unusually nice. To me.

So nice that I didn't want to say something and call his attention to it if he wasn't aware and then maybe he'd stop.

But so nice that I wanted to bring up how good it feels to be treated nicely.

I said something. He said, "I know, I've been trying." Hmmm, wonder what made him "try."

I'll take it. But. It's puzzling. If you have to consciously TRY to be nice to, oh I don't know, the person you are married to, it seems like something's wrong.

To be continued. Ha, we'll see what he does next.

What If HE'S Planning on Leaving ME?

Sometimes I wonder.

Maybe he knows this is falling apart a million miles a minute. Maybe he just wants to have all his kids with his first wife (which would be me) and then make a clean break and divorce me.

I mean, I have questioned (to myself, and to Mr. D) if he still actually wants to be with me, what is he doing with me if he is so unhappy.

You know, because his actions certainly make one wonder.

How sad to wonder if your spouse has every intention of leaving you after you bear his children.

But wait, isn't that what I may be doing with him?!? I am so confused.

Another Baby?

Mr. D is ready. I am not.

Our families are ready. I am not.

Friends keep asking when we are going to have another, are we done.

Of course I didn't use to think we'd be done after having the twins. But I can't help thinking what if we do split up? Wouldn't it be wrong to throw another life in the mix? Won't I be less likely to leave (if that's what I decide to do) if we have another baby? Do I want to have another child with this man???

I feel like things should stabilize before we try to have another baby. I want to see if he's "going to get better" or continue being the jerk he has been. But he is pushing to start trying.

I am considering going on birth control and not telling him.

I feel like this is wrong in some aspects. Then I also feel like it's my way of saving myself, buying time, so it's ok.

I don't want him to lie to me, but I'm going to put up a pretty big lie to him? (Omission is a form of lying--obviously I don't expect him to come out and ask me.) Should I lie?

On the other hand, if things continue or get worse, I will probably be pretty upset if I'm pregnant or have an infant and have to try to leave him.

Not sure what to do. But I have some time. My dr appt isn't for several weeks, so I will decide by then.

Random Thoughts and A Secret's Out

So, I talked to Mr. D. some more about the gum throwing.

He said he too is upset that it happened. I insisted again that he needs to go to conseling if he feels like throwing things at me.



I also said I will leave him if he physically hurts me--ie, if he hits me, grabs me, shoves me, etc in anger. He nodded. Not sure what he really thinks about that.



He admitted to me yesterday (in a conversation nowhere near the gum one) that he thinks he is "mega-depressed." Uh, yeah. I have known that for a while. But what is he going to do about it? What am I to do? Should I be more patient? Isn't that what I'd want from him if I was seriously depressed? But, I wouldn't be taking it out so harshly on him (as he is to me), and I don't deserve to get dumped on.




We were supposed to go on a date tomorrow night. He's going out with his friends. I'm going to be blogging.

We planned it over a week ago. Then, 2 nights ago, I said, "We're still going out on Friday night, right?" and he said, "Uh, I kinda made plans with friends. But I'll cancel if you want me to. I'll take you out if that's what you want."

Why can't he see that I don't want to be the bad guy? Of course I told him to go ahead with his friends because why would I want to be out with someone who'd rather be doing something else? See the way he worded it? "If that's what you want". Like, obviously, that's not what he wants but he just wants to appease me. What a jerk.



I told his (great) uncle, who he is very close to, about Mr. D throwing something at me. (Ever since his grandfather died, he and the grandfather's brother have become even more close.) This particular family member has been happily married for a loooong time and is like a grandpa to me. Mr. D. respects all things Uncle J, and Uncle J loves me, etc. So I felt like getting some advice from him and bouncing Mr. D's actions off him.

He immediately said that it was very out of character for Mr. D to do something like that. (While I agree, what weight does that really hold, anyway? Do all men who treat their wives like crap do it in front of others? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo...)


He also said that he and Aunt J never hit, etc. and that "no one in our family does that." (That also means nothing to me.)


Then he asked what Mr. D threw, I told him, he seemed relieved and acted like it was less of a big deal than I was making it out to be.


THEN he said he thinks Mr. D is just frustrated right now with "work and things" (no kidding) so it'll "take a lot of patience on your part."

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh



It was wrong for Mr. D to do that. I just don't yet know what's going to happen next.

Now What?

He threw something at me. In anger.

He threw something at me.

We were getting in the car. I was in the driver's seat. He was strapping the twins in. He was in a terrible mood. I said something that ticked him off. He threw 2 packs of gum at me, scolding me for whatever I said that pissed him off. (I can't remember what I said, but does it matter?)

I didn't do anything. Anything.

I just cried. Why didn't I get out of the car? Why didn't I make a big scene? Let him know I won't tolerate it?

I was scared.

I'm crying as I type this.

It's 27 hours after it happened. "Everything's fine." We did talk about it, as in--he said he's sorry (I, umm, believe him), he said he won't do it again, I said we really shouldn't tell anyone what he did. He agreed.

Why did I do that??

Because I'm embarassed. Hurt. Humiliated.

I made the wrong choice and now I'm living with it.

Part of me almost wants him to hit me, so I leave. Just to make the decision for me.

Because for me, a lot of this is gray. (I KNOW it's black and white to a lot of people though.)

We did talk about counseling for him. I brought it up, as in--you need to go if you ever feel like throwing things at me again. He kind of agreed.

I mean, HE DID IT IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS!

In the minutes after it happened, (not right away, I was just too frozen I guess, and shocked, and scared) I told him:

"You are one step away from hitting me."

He didn't think so. He still insists he'll never hit me.

Hmmm. I never thought he'd throw something at me.

What if I sent him the wrong message by telling him we shouldn't tell anyone what happened? What if now he thinks he can hit me and it will be a secret? Aren't I contradicting myself? Why don't I stand up for myself? Should I leave? What if it's all just temporary and he's going to go back to his normal self?

He never used to be like this.

How long do I wait to see if this is the new him? When will I know?

What if he wants ME to leave HIM, so he doesn't look like the bad guy, leaving his kids and stay at home wife?

I'm not sure if things have gotten worse since I've started this blog, or if I'm just starting to see the light. But I still think, now what?

Sad Secret

Before I get to the secret, the criticism continues.

Today I was cleaning the inside of my car. Mr. D came out, looked at the hand-vac I was using and said, "Why are you using that piece of crap?" "Did you get back here yet?" "It doesn't even look like you did this spot here."

He asked me to clean his watch. I cleaned it. He picks it up and says, "Did you even clean this?"

I feel like he's a jerk today.

This is such a sorry secret. I was listening to the radio and a woman called in, saying she'd been married for 18 years and "love him more today than I did yesterday" and so on. I know that's how I should feel. But I don't.

I think I love him less than I used to.

I wonder if he feels the same way too.

A Breakthrough?

I read the comments on my last post. I didn't want to think that's what it was, but I guess it may be. Abuse. But I don't fear for my life. And it didn't use to be like this. That's why I feel like he can change (back to how he was). And why it's not so bad. I mean, there are women in the Middle East who can't even show their face. They are slaves to the men there. There are women dying of cancer. There are women who would like to have children. I guess I just feel like maybe I should be thankful for what I've got: everything but a perfectly wonderful relationship with my husband.

But it was sobering to read words like abuse, domestic violence, control, etc. It shook me. So I read my posts like I thought a stranger would and I felt sorry for the person too. I'm not sure how I got here. I have an education. I was always in leadership positions in school and in my work. I was the one telling friends no you shouldn't take that attitude from your guy. And him. He was not like this before. Something changed.

Earlier today I asked him if he wanted the few strawberries that were left. He said yes. So I grabbed the container from the fridge and quickly flipped the lid onto the bottom of the bowl and handed it to him. He (without taking his eyes off the tv) tossed the lid aside and said, "What the f*** do I want this for?"

Now I know I don't deserve to be spoken to like that. And the girls were sleeping, so they didn't hear him say it. (He is nicer when the kids are around, I keep reminding him how they're going to want to marry a man like their daddy...) So I said, "You should not have said that to me. You wouldn't talk to your mother or sisters like that. You wouldn't talk to a waiter in a restaurant like that so you shouldn't have said that to me." He seemed to comprehend, and apologized. (I know, I know. It doesn't make it ok if he says sorry after every time.) I said that this is verbal abuse and he said, "You don't think I abuse you, do you?" I said yes! He really seemed to think about this and I could tell he didn't like that word either. Abuse.

So now what. I want to have a happy marriage. With him. He is the person I fell in love with. I know he is semi-depressed and stressed and a different person. I can't let these changes become the norm.

These are still secrets. I can't tell my parents or my friends these things because they will make a big deal out of it. I'm not ready for the judgements they'll make, opinions they'll form.

But I may have to accept that this could be a form of abuse. It just doesn't seem like the picture of abuse I had in my head.

In Another Life...

I'll be married to someone who is crazy about me.

I'll fall in love with someone who is just as in love with me as I am him.

My husband will not just SAY he respects me, he will act like it.

There will be flowers.

There will be romance.

There will be passion.

There will be token surprises and love notes.

The kisses will linger more often than not.

My husband will think I'm beautiful.

My husband will think I'm beautiful when I'm pregnant.

My husband will act like he's proud I'm carrying his child.

My husband will learn, know and use white lies instead of being BRUTALLY honest.

I won't fear divorce.

I will be secure in the thought that once the kids are raised, we'll still be together.

When he has a terrible day at work, I will be my husband's shoulder to cry on, not his "screaming" post.

When he touches me, I'll feel warm and loved, not scared he's going to "play fight" too rough with me again.

He'll compliment my cooking more than once a year.

He won't tell me how annoyed he is that I'm sick.

Can't Win

If I make oatmeal raisin, he wanted chocolate chip.
If I get a new haircut, he asks what's wrong with the hairdresser that she did my hair like that.

My car is too dirty.
The baseboards need to be cleaned.
The kitchen sink smells.
Now one may be thinking: Is her car dirty? Does she have loads of dirt and dust sitting on her baseboards? Does she keep a clean kitchen?
No. No. Yes.

He just looks for the littlest thing, anything, and brings it up. It's really starting to grate on me. Would it hurt him to compliment or thank me once in a while?

I Just Don't FEEL Lucky

All I have to do is visit MckMama's, Angie's, or Matt's blogs to remind myself how good I have it. And I pray for them and their families and feel blessed that my problems are so trivial. Except I have a different kind of pain.

I am so in love with someone who no longer loves me the same way.

His life sucks right now at work, so "kick" the wife.
Now he doesn't beat me.
Physically.
That is something he's said he never hopes he gets to the point of.

Let me explain.

He is one of those men I swore I'd never end up with.

He says "If I ever get to the point where I want to hit you, you've done something really bad. Don't let me get to that."

You know, because it's got to be the woman's fault.

He clarified this recently when the whole Rihanna/Chris Brown thing was all over: "You know she threw his cell phone out the window and that's why he hit her. Stupid bitches."

The woman is to blame.

When a guy cheats, it's because the woman is no longer doing something FOR him. TO him. WITH him.

I found the following quoted in a novel I read "A man's accusing finger always finds a woman."

He is of that thinking.
"I'm not to blame. It's what she (fill in the blank)."

We "only do cards" for Valentine's Day.
This year, I didn't even get a card.

He wants me with him at every family function for his side, but he'll gladly opt out of my side anytime he can.

He is critical. Over critical. Hurtfully critical.
Once I admitted to him that occasionally I "edit" what I tell him.
He asked me why I censor the things I tell him.
That was one of my AHA moments.
I don't tell him everything because he rips apart everything I say.
The less I say, the less he has to criticize.
The less I say, the more I can ignore the fact that he's not really listening anyway.
It's sad.

But I'm not trying to be whoa is me.
I just can't help but let my imagination go.
To think of how different my life would be had I never met him.
Was I destined to end up with someone who wouldn't value me?
Would I just have been drawn to some other guy who would treat me poorly?
Or would I be with someone who thought I was the person of THEIR dreams?
I would like to think the latter.
That's also what this blog is about.
I can still dream.
He hasn't stifled that part of me yet.

But Why Aren't The Girls Sick?

Well, I think I have the flu. It started out as just what I thought was a cold. But now it's kicking my butt and I've got all the typical flu symptoms.

But what a bad wife I am. I keep secrets from him. I haven't even told him I think I have the flu because I don't want him to know the truth.

I got the girls flu shots in November. He didn't want me to, so I told him I didn't. But I did it anyway because I trusted my gut. Good thing, because now I'm sick and, miraculously, they're not.

However. He says, "You are so sick. But why aren't the girls sick?" I just keep telling him I'm being good about not breathing on them, kissing them, etc.

If I told him that I have they flu and they don't because I got them their shots, you'd think he'd be mad for a minute then grateful or happy because it ended up being the right thing. Oh no, not my husband. He'd act like I just cheated on him or something.

So I lie.

Of Course There's Some Guilt

Sometimes I feel guilty for complaining. After all, there are people who don't have enough to eat, are losing their house, want to be married, want a baby, want to be at home with their kids.

But I get tired of the show.

And this will be my outlet.

And it's not that bad.

I don't work outside the home.

He makes decent money.

I get to be with my twins all day instead of putting them in day care.

So I play the game.

I put up the front.

New day. Same story.

Secrets of an Unhappily Married Woman.

In The Beginning

Here's how it all started.

Very normal, like any other couple. We met, fell in love, got married. Without drama.

But something changed. I am still, to this day, trying to figure out what and when. I actually think it was more of a gradual process, as in--things were good most of the time, then good part of the time, then good most of the time, then part, then hardly ever, then a little better, now pretty much NEVER.

Let me back up.

We met while we were in college, studying different majors. I was 19, he was 20. We went out on our first date and never looked back. We dated for eight years before he felt like he was ready to propose. (Hmmm, sign??) He proposed. We had a lovely wedding with 300 people excited for us. My family loved him. His family loved me. They were all ready for us to get married. We did the DINK (dual income, no kids) thing for a while. We started TTC, got pregnant on the first try, miscarried. Tried again, got pregnant with our twin girls. He always wanted a boy first. (Hmmm, sign?)

Now I have quit my job to stay home with our girls. This is something we both want, although I did initiate the discussion back in our dating years. Even now, he says he doesn't want me to go back to work yet he misses the money.

I have to think that's part of what's wrong. He just does not respect me. Now I think he values me less because I stay home.

He throws a tissue toward the bathroom wastebasket. It misses. He leaves it. It may sound like I'm letting the little things bother me but he did not do that when I was working. He likes seeing me pick up after him and I can't stand it. It's the ultimate diss.

I don't know if he knows I'm on to him.

He looks in the cupboard for potato chips, sees there aren't any, but doesn't say anything. A few hours later he announces "I want some chips. Do we have any chips?" Just to make me feel bad.

Of course he acts like he doesn't do it to make me feel bad, but he's done it so many times I've just decided that he looks for whatever we don't have, and asks for it.

To point out how I lack. How I'm not good at anything.

The reality is
I'm not bad looking.
I go between a size 4 and 6.
I cook well.
I bake wonderfully.
I take great care of our girls.
I clean diligently.
I iron.
I garden.
I take care of our home very nicely.
But he looks for what lacks and makes me feel somehow inadequate.
It's only because he's miserable.
He didn't used to be like this.
I'm not excusing it, just trying to keep my sanity.
He yells.
He only says I love you when I say it first.
Nothing is good enough for him.
He acts like he's so much better than me.
He even thinks it's my "fault" we don't have a boy yet. Any medical book will tell you it's the father's sperm that determines the baby's gender, not the mother's egg.

On The Outside, On The Inside

Here's what we look like: the all-American family. We have it good. We are your typical middle-class family living in Suburbia.

We have no debt besides our house.

We are healthy.

We have 2 good girls.

We have a nice colonial.

We have a picket fence for pete's sake.

We have a 2 car garage, with 2 nice cars.

My husband has a college degree and a well-paying job, albeit the source of (most of) his misery.

I have a college degree and I get to stay home with our twins.

We (seemingly) have no problems.

Of course we're worried about the economy and our IRAs, his 401k, etc. But that's it, right?

Wrong.

Oh, he is very careful of how others see us. (I am too, hence the title of this blog...)

It's a show where only I get a front row ticket.

He doesn't want me to use the kitchen faucet while he watches tv. It's too loud.

But why isn't the kitchen cleaned up from breakfast yet?

I opened the box of granola bars too loudly.

Everything I do is just so loud.

He wants to be left alone.

But "How do I get a glass of water over here?"

He is vain, always looking in mirrors but has shamed me enough that I avoid them now.

Almost every time we go somewhere as a family, he gets mad or frustrated at me for no particular reason.

If things aren't going right, I'm the easiest to blame.

That's really the bottom line.

That's what all this is about.

His work is very stressful right now, so he takes it out on me.

That's the secret. He does it in the privacy of our own home so no one knows.

It's almost like he knows I don't want anyone to know. How thoughtful of him.

So I Stay

I can't be the only one.

The only woman who will stay because of the kids.

There's more like me out there; I'm not special.

Are my twins better off with parents who stay married, albeit in a loveless union?

My first thought is no.

But.

I'm too proud.

I can't swallow my pride.

I don't want them to know I've failed at marriage.

So I stay.

To Tell A Secret...

Everyone is fooled.

I have kept it a secret and I'm going to keep it that way.

No one knows how loveless this marriage has become. No one knows how bad I feel.

Him. The twins. Family. Friends. Strangers. Even my bloggie friends don't know. I've changed my online identity to create this blog, because I've made comments on friends' blogs indicating things are just great.

They're not.

This is the beginning of my letting it out.